The Truth About “Failure”

“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”

– Winston Churchill

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”

– Soren Kierkegaard

     When we talk about failure, what do we mean? I failed at trying? I failed at completing? I failed at reaching my goal? I failed at maintaining my status? I failed at meeting someone else’s expectations? …What do we mean?

Often times, we view failure in terms of tangibles. I got cut, I got fired, I lost something (house, car, money), I got divorced, etc.

Within this idea of “failure” resides a tangled web of past experiences, false truths, misguided beliefs, fundamental ideas of self, worth and identity, and an abundance of fear. Not to mention a definition left open to interpretation and personal meaning.

Freedom from this idea of “failure” came when I started to believe that there’s no such thing as “failure.” It doesn’t exist – not really.

If I look at my life, what have I placed in this category of “failure?” What I found, was that “failures” are disappointments, unmet expectations and unrealized dreams. The things that didn’t happen – the things I couldn’t accomplish. When I say that failure isn’t real, I’m simply suggesting that we explore the idea that there is more to the story. It seems dismissive to leave things at “failure is not real.” When we experience disappointment, unmet expectations or unrealized dreams, the feelings that surround these events are definitely real. But, can we process “failure” in terms of disappointment, unmet expectations and unrealized dreams instead of just attaching “failure.”

When we think in terms of failure, we set limits. We create boxes to check off. We see things from a win/lose perspective. We lose sight of the things that matter – joy, passion, relationship, connection, experience – and shift into the things that don’t – ego and self-protection. We may shy away from risks, experiences or relationships because of the overwhelming fear that we can often attach to failure. The idea of “failure” is not an idea that serves us – it stunts us.

We also wrap up conventional ideas driven by societal norms. How it all looks. What will people think? Is it impressive? This is part of the fear factor – ego based, and unworthy of our time and attention.

Once this came into my consciousness, the question for me was “how do I shift from a success versus failure mindset to an experience driven mindset?”

I had to look at the entirety of my history to understand. I had to make clear distinctions between setting goals and allowing myself the freedom to detach from outcome and instead focus on process. There’s a distinct point in my timeline where perceived failure and learned helplessness started to fixate my attention only on outcome – the thing I can’t control. What I mean by learned helplessness is the feeling that nothing I do – no action I can take, will lead me to accomplish the goals I have set. “Someone else is in control and I can’t impact that.”

For most of my life, I believed firmly in the merit system – what you do, will earn you what you want. I’m here to tell the harsh, unfortunate truth that sometimes that’s just not how things go. Sometimes it’s not about talent or work ethic – sometimes it’s luck and timing and politics. Sometimes, it just doesn’t go as planned. You see, we can influence the outcome by our actions, but we can’t control it. That’s life, right? Hard lesson to learn, when you’ve believed that you’ve been in control of the outcome the whole time.

But what does this mean? Do we stop trying? … It also begs the question: “who do you think is in control of it all.” That’s a philosophical question personal to the individual. For me, I had to discover that I believe that God is the master controller allowing everything in my life. There’s also human will, and sometimes the decisions of others control my outcome, but ultimately God will either allow things or not. In the end, all things work together in the grand scheme.

I also arrived at the questions that I think we all ask and that seem to be reoccurring as we evolve: who I am I, why am I here and what is my purpose?

When I started to believe I am a child of God, here to love and be loved, and my purpose is to fulfill his will for my life, I had a foundation. The identity became unchanging – the reason for life became intangible and relational and the purpose became an invitation for further investigation about the map I could follow to realize this purpose.

How would the map be constructed? Well, further questions. Where is my passion? What are the sources of my pain? How do I bring light to others? Where is joy to be found in my life? What is my message?

My passion is soccer and exercise. Essentially, I find joy in movement, creative play and competition. The sources of my pain run deep, but to oversimplify, some of the biggest wounds can be found in abandonment and rejection. I sought love and acceptance through performance and attention as a child was usually given to me based on performance. Oddly enough, the joy in my life was found in performance as well. Well, what I thought to be performance, but what I now know is just the act of doing. Playing. What is my message? There is a different way in the arena of sports – a way that is often lost in highly competitive environments. We can thrive on joy and passion in the pursuit of greatness. We don’t have to win at any cost – meaning tools like manipulation, shame, embarrassment, the withholding of attention, kindness, and positivity in order to gain results do not need to be employed. They don’t work anyway. And if they do, I’m willing to bet somewhere along the line these things will turn on you. The way people treat one another should not be dictated by performance. In a sports environment, the organization doesn’t need to fuel fear, but belonging and unconditional kindness.

…Don’t miss the boat. What you’re passionate about – where your joy is found – that only dictates the arena of the people you have the opportunity to walk with and the position you’re uniquely placed in for impact.

So, now I have an identity, a mission and a purpose. Which, by the way has taken nearly a decade, and requires constant attention and growth. I don’t always remain secure in my identity, on my missional road or tied to my purpose. There are life distractions and relationships that I’ve allowed to take me off course, plenty of times. There are vast and deep implications involved in saying: I am a child of God – I am here to love and be loved and my purpose is to fulfill His will for my life. Just the pursuit of understanding what it means to love and be loved – how, what prevents us, why we struggle with it – this is a lifelong process. Trying to live according to God’s will – that’s a whole additional aspect that requires a philosophical belief system about who God is. So, to say that I practice this well – I fall short quite a bit. But, these are things I have to come back to. When I’m lost – when I’m struggling – this is the framework. So, how does it tie into a failure versus success mindset – well, I’ve found that it’s foundational.

If I don’t know who I am or why I’m here, I’m vulnerable to associate those things with the tangibles. If I “succeed” I’m strong, worthy and successful. If I “fail” I’m garbage, unworthy, and unsuccessful. If I have an identity that is secure, these things become experiences. Stepping stones. If we go back to the metaphor of a map – and we’re traveling along the road, these are all just markers, taking us to the next destination, none of which are final anyway.

And in a bigger scheme, it’s not really about me. Or you. It’s collective – a ripple effect, each of us impacting the other for furthered growth and evolution so that we can impact the people in our lives which enables them to learn what they need to learn to get to the next stop and vice versa.

The thing that also strikes me about this, is who decided what success is in our lives anyway? Who gets to decide? You could get fired from a job, and by conventional standards that’s a failure. Let me ask you this, what if you were fired from the World Trade Center in June of 2001? Three months later, here comes 9/11. Do you still view that as a failure? Or do you now see it as a blessing? Protection? The thing that had to happen so that you could move forward in life to do the thing that you were meant to do. That’s a dramatic example, but you get the point. The events in our lives are often disguised. Do you trust that everything is happening exactly as it should, at exactly the right time?

So, identity is secured – purpose is identified and mission is set. I’ve also included a trust factor, that everything happens for a reason. Now I can move forward, believing that experience is all that matters. There is no such thing as failure because everything that happens is about leading me to the next thing to ultimately get me to where I’m going.

And the real stuff that’s happening – that’s actually the stuff you can’t see. The lessons, the growth, the evolution. And while all that’s happening I’m impacting the people around me and being impacted by the people around me.

We often hear the phrase, it’s not the destination it’s the journey. We hear it so
much, it’s become just another cliché that stops resonating because of it’s redundancy. But, it’s become redundant because of it’s truth.

It’s all about process. What are we learning, how are we growing, and how does this translate relationally?

Now that I know this, how do I practice it? I practice it by taking risks. For example, trying out for the Washington Sprit. The act of trying – the act of emailing the coach asking “Did you decide who you’re inviting to preseason. I’m hopeful for the opportunity.” The act of showing up every day during preseason (and trying), and the act of accepting that I was not offered a contract and embracing that as an invitation to seek what’s next. But, there has to be that element of trust, or else bitterness and resentment could creep in.

How else do I practice it? Seeking certifications.

Opening up camps.

Writing this blog.

Being vulnerable in relationship.

Any chance I get, to put myself out there – to run towards fear instead of away from it – that’s how I practice an experience-based mentality. The more I do it, the more I realize that there’s freedom on the other side. Failure is really about fear – and fear is usually not valid.