Risk Big, Live Big

It’s 12:26am – I’ve turned my light on and off at least three times at this point.

 
Each time, I pick up a book to read, let my eyes grow heavy, put the book down, turn my light off, shut my eyes – then, surprise! Just kidding!

 
I imagine the little characters from the Pixar movie Inside Out, running around in my head.

 
My dog, Jackson, is looking up at me – if he could roll his eyes, he would. He exhales with exasperation as if to say, “pull it together, lady. I’m tryina sleep.”

 
This doesn’t happen often – I’m a good sleeper.

 
For whatever reason, the summation of an internal challenge is taking form with a very clear thought –

 
I’m going to have to keep making decisions to be uncomfortable.

 
I’m annoyed by this.

 
I hate being uncomfortable.

 
As a six-year-old, I had every color of sweat suit to prove it.

 
Matching sweat shirts and sweat pants – and it wasn’t for fashion, friends, this was comfort.

 
I mean yes, it revealed my love for monochromatic aesthetics very early, but I wasn’t doing it for the appearance. Let’s be honest, my logic for upping my fashion game, was to rock my white 90210 sweat shirt with neon colors.

 
Like…that was a good day…

 
I’ve come a long way since then, but this is still evidenced by the fact that I workout in a nine dollar Hanes black tee from Target and Nike shorts, instead of super cool LuLu leggings with mesh or fish net or geometric design, and a backless tank with a shelf made for A cups. (Not that all the women that wear them have A cups…I’m just sayin’ some of it ain’t practical).

 
And this is just the physical aspect.

 
Social settings that make me uncomfortable used to throw me into panic.

 
Being uncomfortable is like…. maybe the worst thing I can think of.

 
I rather be in pain.

 
And like really, what is being uncomfortable?

 
For me, it’s anxiety.

 
Fear.

 
Feeling a lack of control.

 
Awkwardness.

 
Unknowns.

 
The sudden feeling of being out of place, or different.

 
Did I say fear?

 
I think it’s mostly fear.

 
This whole “I’m going to have to be uncomfortable thing” first popped up in 2017.

 
I had a light bulb moment.

 
Anyone else have these?

 
It’s the moment that truth enters consciousness.

 
It becomes acutely obvious all at once –

 
Clear – Bold – Concise.

 
There’s no ambiguity.

 
It resonates.

 
And these moments are seemingly shocking to us, sometimes, right?

 
Breakthroughs.

 
Answers.

 
The missing piece of the puzzle.

 
Sometimes they bring us relief, sometimes they challenge us, and sometimes they shed light on the things we wish we could un-see.

 
Usually, when I have light bulb moments, the people close to me, don’t find these realizations quite as enlightening.

 
When I share, they usually hardly react, confirm, agree, claim they’ve suggested this before, or the best – laugh or exhale with a “Thank baby Jesus, she gets it.” (Annoying).

 
This is what happened in 2017.

 
I started dating someone, now an ex-boyfriend.

 
In the beginning, for maybe two months, I kinda dodged this guy.

 
He was super persistent.

 
Which made me angry.

 
…then grateful.

 
Over time, I found that our conversations were hilarious. I was laughing out loud. It was fun, light, witty banter.

 
He was interesting – a good conversationalist – super smart – artsy (which I dig) – there was just a lot there.

 
So, in this battle of not gonna date him, but I kinda like him, I was sitting at the pool at Animal Kingdom Resort with my sister and her family on vacation, and my sister caught me looking at my phone and laughing.

 
She asked,

 
I shared a little,

 
and she said “Isn’t this the guy, you said you weren’t going to date?”

 
“Yeah….”

 
“I don’t know, he keeps trying, But he’s funny as hell. And fun! And actually, the dates we did go on, he’s like legit. Quality, well thought out dates, planned, respectful, kinda old school.”

 
Which, let’s be honest, by 29 (probably earlier), I wasn’t into “meet me at chipotle and let’s pay separate.”

 
At this point, it’s like “Where’s the reservation and what time are you getting me?”

 
So, my sister looks at me and says “so, what’s the problem?”

 
And at this point, my sister doesn’t try to be gentle about this.

 
Her and my brother in law are blunt. And real. And always honest with me about this topic.

 
Which is great, when I want someone to confirm “he’s an asshole, right?!” But not so fun when they’re like “Ash, you’re being an idiot here.”

 
So, my answer as to why I’ve decided not to date this guy…

 
….it’s the lightbulb moment.

 
The crack has opened, and the truth got through.

 
I hear my own answer.

 
And realize that – I’m being the asshole.

 
If this was the reason, I wasn’t going to date this guy, then I deserve to be alone.

 
Because it wasn’t a valid answer.

 
It had zero substance.

 

It became so clear how silly my excuses were.

 
So, this was the beginning.

 
I decided to date the guy.

 
I stopped…

 
…Stopped trying to figure it out, or plan, or self-protect.

 
And as a result, we had a ball for a while.

 
Adventures, and spontaneous trips, and great dates, and lots of jokes and laughs.

 
Ultimately, it wasn’t the right fit for both of us, but at that time, it was perfect.

 
And it didn’t end in my destruction.

 
Or demise.

 
I wasn’t broken, or ruined, or shattered with heartbreak.

 
Sure, it’s always hard breaking up with someone – not a fun time – but it wasn’t some life altering devastation.

 
I learned, and grew, and was one step further along in figuring out what’s right for me.

 
But here’s the thing.

 
The reason I’m sharing this story.

 
There was second light bulb moment….

 
And maybe a realization that was even more important than the first.

 
More than once in that relationship, I thought “I can’t believe I almost missed this.”

 
….I can’t believe I almost missed this.

 
First realization – I’m going to have to be uncomfortable.

 
In other words, I’m going to have to try different things.

 
Second realization – I can’t believe I almost missed this.

 
Then – How much have I missed trying to control or self-protect?

 
The reality of life is that it kicks the shit out of all of us.

 
At some point.

 
In some way.

 
And if we don’t’ have the skills to deal with those times, we are susceptible to becoming like the dog at the animal shelter that hides under tables, and is scared of bright lights.

 
The goal here is to learn how to best respond and keep moving forward, right?

 
If instead, we learn to cower down, freeze, or stay stuck, I think we’ve missed something.

 
So, if you’re still reading, maybe you can run with me on this.

 
We don’t get to sit on the sidelines, and reap the benefits.

 
We gotta get in the game.

 
We have to be active participants in our lives, especially in the areas that scare us.

 
That was my glaring reality in 2017 and 2018.

 
Get uncomfortable.

 
Take risks.

 

Put yourself out there.

 
Take the next step, toward the thing that scares you.

 
In 2019, this will look different.

 
Same thought – same goal – different approach.

 
But, if we want to live big…

 
If we want to experience the things that cause us to say “I’m glad I didn’t miss this,”

 
We have to put ourselves out there.

 
For me, it took a boyfriend to wake up to this….

 
Then,

 
It was going to that tryout.

 
It was emailing that coach.

 
It was taking that opportunity in Australia.

 
It was putting myself out there with new people in Australia, (and here).

 
….And I’m really just getting started, in this commitment….

 
You guys, it turns out those people that are the first on the dance floor…the one’s we sometimes giggle at – maybe even the ones that can’t dance at all – they’re not the fools, they’re the freaking hero’s.

 
The rockstars.

 
They step into the arena of life, embracing it.

 
Being uncomfortable is something we have to be willing to do, in order to live a fulfilling life.

 
And sometimes discomfort will lead to further discomfort.

 
Or things we don’t like.

 
But, it will also lead to the things that would have been tragic to miss.

 
There’s so much more to be gained than lost, when we decide to do the thing that we’re scared to do.