My birthday’s this week.
Somewhere between 27 and now, I stopped liking birthday’s.
I started associating birthday’s with pressure.
We do that, don’t we?
We form expectations.
We give ourselves timelines.
And then we find another reason to beat ourselves up, when we fall short.
And here’s the thing.
Our expectations, are usually external….which isn’t at all what I want my life to be about.
That’s not who I want to be.
Our expectations are also seldom mediocre.
I remember in early recovery making an “ideals” list for a partner, and my sponsor saying “Jesus….good luck finding this person!”
It was like a page and a half.
Not kidding.
It’s gotten a little better, but I’m aware that I need to chill.
And it’s not like I’m under any illusion that I’m perfect. It’s gotta be some sort of self protection.
Most the time I can’t find my keys, I leave all the cabinets open, I put the toilet paper on backward, my closets are frightening (I get way too attached to everything), and I usually open something before the same exact thing in the fridge is finished. I’m forgetful, easily distracted, and I have a little of what I like to call creative chaos. Some call it mess. I like “creative chaos” better.
And these are my surface flaws.
I’m flawed. In every way.
…just like you.
I also have a lot a good stuff.
…just like you.
The funny thing about these lists is the people I’ve loved – some of the reasons I’ve loved them can’t be named.
It’s not always the things that make them right. It’s usually the things that make them, them.
But in every way, we have these lists.
These lists of ideals.
These lists of perfection.
We expect to have the world by the balls by 30, having manifested all of our greatest desires, dreams and hopes.
But if we’re honest – if we seek within ourselves, we know that we are exactly where we’re supposed to be, like it or not.
We know that life unfolds according to what we’re ready for.
According to the lessons we need to learn.
According to the decisions that we’re capable of making.
According to God’s will.
Expectations and the timelines and pressure….it’s all really just bull shit.
And ideals – yes, I still have them, but they change as I change.
Oddly enough, “great hair” isn’t in my top five for ideals in a partner. (It’s still in there, but like at the bottom – as an added bonus request to God. Don’t judge me).
Somehow, kind, considerate, generous, respectful, loyal, honest, faithful, authentic, good communicator (willing to have hard conversations), supportive, shared sense of humor, consistent and unconditionally loving, deep connection with God, willingness to own their side of the street too – these are the things that have worked their way to the top. (I keep adding ideals as I edit – see…).
So 32, isn’t going to be about pressure.
When I think about what I want for 32, a lot goes through my mind, and in many different areas of my life.
There’s no shortage in my list of goals this year.
But the most important things to me, are in regards to who I’m becoming.
When faced with decisions, what are my motives?
Is this who I want to be?
Is this what I want to be part of?
Is this who I am?
If the answer is no, nothing else matters.
Because I know by now, if it goes against who I am, who I want to be, and what I want to be a part of, I’m in trouble.
So, I’m gonna get all Brene on you to close. (Her new Netflix special The Call to Courage was amazing, as to be expected).
I’m going to use her Manifesto of the Broken Hearted as my manifesto –
“There is no greater threat to the critics
and the cynics and the fearmongers
Than those of us who are willing to fall
Because we have learned how to rise.
With skinned knees and bruised hearts;
We choose owning our stories of struggle,
Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending.
When we deny our stories, they define us.
When we run from struggle, we are never free.
So, we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.
We will not be characters in our stories.
Not villains, not victims, not even heroes.
We are authors of our lives.
We write our own daring endings.
We craft love from heartbreak.
Compassion from shame.
Grace from disappointment.
Courage from failure.
Showing up is our power.
Story is our way home. Truth is our song.
We are the brave and brokenhearted.
We are rising strong.”
Warrior Soccer Training 