So, I mentioned in my last blog Brene Brown’s, “The Call To Courage” special.
I’ve been reading her stuff for years.
And I’m the first to admit – conceptualizing her work and practicing her ideologies are two very different things.
It may have been five or six years ago that I first picked up one of her books…
It may have been four years ago that I first took her Online E-Course on the The gifts of Imperfection.
And I’m certain that for five years her quote “You’re imperfect and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging,” has either been on my fridge, on a mirror, in my bible, or on my nightstand.
And here’s the thing guys.
I’m revisiting some of her work, reading and going “ohhhhhhhh” … “Oh. Ok.”
Probably a year from now, or two years from now, I’ll look back at the same work, and think, “yep, still didn’t get it.”
We know something before we know it, don’t we.
…It speaks to us.
…It resonates.
…We know it’s true.
But sometimes it takes a while for our hearts to catch up to our brains.
Sometimes, it takes experience and then retrospect, and then maybe trying again and again and again, for us to really practice something.
And it’s hard.
It’s deliberate.
It’s conscious intention.
It’s failing, and owning that failure and doing something different next time.
I needed to share about my sobriety, because the same process I went through when deciding to remove alcohol from my life, is the same process I’m sometimes faced with in other areas of my life at varying levels.
I didn’t just decide to quit drinking.
I kept trying the same insanity over and over.
Giving myself new rules, and stipulations to try to control something I had zero control over – a feeling I didn’t like.
I went through denial, and anger, and fear.
I said I wouldn’t drink, and then I was the first one to take a shot 10 minutes later.
It was a personal process.
It was denial and justification –
It was saying “This is what kids do in college, I’m fine.”
And then thinking “But what if I can’t stop this after college?”
It was the willingness to pray, followed by overwhelming spiritual defiance.
I started going to church on Sunday’s – still drunk.
I wore a W.W.J.D wristband on the same hand that I poured endless shots with.
My mother’s personal ringtone was “They Tried to Make Me Go To Rehab,” by Amy Winehouse.
I thought it was amusing.
So did Amy Winehouse –
…look how that turned out.
But, I fought before I surrendered.
And I had an unbelievably high bottom, thank God.
I also remember when I got sober, feeling like a freak because Friday night would come, and bottles would start opening downstairs among my team mates, and I would have a decision to make – drink again, or go to a meeting.
Participate in drinking games, with good music…
….or go sit with a group of people I didn’t know, who I wanted to believe I was different than, and talk about my feelings.
At that time in my life, I would have rather had open heart surgery. (Well, mainly for the meds at the end, but back to sobriety).
The point I’m making is, authenticity, in my mind, is doing what’s right for you.
Not what’s easy.
Not what makes you cool.
Not what makes you “part of.”
Not what speaks to your ego.
Did I feel left out at times? Sure.
Did I feel like I was missing out at times? Absolutely.
But what I knew was that partying for some of my friends may have been just as lighthearted and frivolous as it’s supposed to be. It’s college – go crazy, make bad decisions, be a kid.
But for me, something else was going on, and that’s not what it was about.
This was the first time in my life I would know peace.
The thing that comes when you do what’s right, not what’s easy.
That thing that comes when you listen to what your life is asking you to do.
And sometimes when we do that, we lose friends, but never the ones who really have our backs.
My two college besties stayed my besties. And they encouraged me, and loved me through it.
And I gained a new tribe.
A tribe that I never would have asked for or wanted, but that I ended up being grateful for and loving.
A tribe I probably would have judged, but who proved to me that the age old saying “never judge a book by its cover” is timeless and true for good reason.
A tribe that called me on my shit, and showed up in my life when the crap hit the fan.
I’m remembering this right now, because I need to.
I find myself in a similar place.
One of the takeaways for me from that Netflix special was when Brene Brown talks about how “fitting in” is actually a hindrance to belonging.
She said: “True belonging doesn’t require that you change who you are; it requires you to be who are you.”
She also wrote: “True belonging is not passive. It’s not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It’s not fitting in or pretending or selling out because it’s safer. It’s a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are.”
Like you, I want belonging.
We all want belonging, and if we say we don’t, I think we’re just too proud to admit it, too foolish and delusional in our self reliance, or too scared of rejection.
The question comes back to the difference between fitting in and belonging.
I don’t want to fit in.
I’ve never wanted to fit in.
It’s a cheap substitute.
And life is full of all sorts of cheap substitutes that we settle for, because we’re too desperate for something, too unwilling to wait for the real thing, too fearful that may never get the thing that we want – I’m unsure – there’s probably a multitude of reasons. Maybe we’re afraid to stand alone, or we care too much about how things look, or what people will say…
But I think the questions, for me –
When getting sober –
When choosing any kind of discipline –
When leaving a relationship-
Or maybe entering one –
When making decisions about what I do, where I go, who I surround myself with –
Is what is it that you want?
What do you want the most?
What do you want so bad, that you’re willing to sacrifice these other things that you also may want?
What are you willing to temporarily forego – even if it’s tempting – even if you kinda wanna – because you want the real thing more?
What brings you peace?
….What really matters to you?
Because these questions are incredibly personal.
With varying levels of depth.
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