Thank God for Whitney – A blog about commitment

A few weeks ago, I sat with a man who can only be compared to as Yoda, and he asked me questions I didn’t want to answer.

 

My Yoda, is a man named Dr. Joe.

 

I first started meeting with Dr. Joe, in preparation for preseason about two years ago. My aim was to be as mentally prepared as possible for what I was about to experience – pressure, performance, and a highly competitive environment.

 

The thing I thought was the icing on the cake – getting to sit down and talk with a man who had a clinical practice for many years (with a partner who survived Auschwitz), and later moved into sports psychology to work with a team in the NFL – was the real gift.

 

Consistent with the theme in my life – this divine connection had nothing to do with soccer, and everything to do with personal growth and relationship.

 

Yoda, aka Dr. Joe, has impacted me in more ways that I can list.

 

But, let’s talk about this particular conversation.

 

Dr. Joe leaned in and asked, “The question is, do you want to dance with somebody?”

 

What? What happened to visualization, and positive self-talk? Why are we going here?

 

At first, I thought of Whitney Houston’s rendition quietly.

 

Amused, and I’m sure, invoking a coping mechanism to ease my anxiety about the question.

 

Then I thought, “like a Salsa Rueda, where you switch partners every so often?”

 

I could have probably gone on like this quietly for a while…

 

…still coping – still hiding – still avoiding the question.

 

I knew Dr. Joe was talking about the long haul.

 

The C word. …Freakin’ commitment.

 

These conversations, I thought, started to feel like they should warrant a stiff drink, but I don’t have that luxury.

 

…Suddenly, I was regretting not working out longer prior to this conversation. …Maybe exhaustion would have helped.

 

But after the humor subsided, and the truth broke through, I decided to get real.

 

After all, Yoda seemed to possess something akin to MIT’s sonar technology – he was able to see through me the way MIT’s technology sees through walls.

 

“Yes,” I said. “…well….I think.”

 

I started to get emotional.

 

“I don’t like this topic. There’s so much wrapped up in it.”

 

He asked more questions..

 

I talked about why.

 

And why not.

 

He asked questions about belief systems.

 

And I had massive revelations about the beliefs that I attached to love, marriage, commitment –

 

Beliefs that have never been challenged or changed from the age of 12.

 

Beliefs that were born from a divorce, not from what I believe to be true.

 

They seemed too bad to say out loud.

 

And I was finding myself confused.

 

I also maintained a set of beliefs in adulthood rooted in Christianity and all kinds of spiritual practices.

 

The first felt personal, and the later felt like a desperate attempt to believe in something I wasn’t sure existed.

 

Or maybe something I thought was rare – and definitely far too rare for me to have.

 

It was like winning the lottery, and my chances weren’t good.

 

So, I sat there wondering…which set of beliefs did I really believe?

 

It seemed my beliefs from childhood were the ones guiding my decisions.

 

When I thought about it, and was honest, I said I believed in unconditional love.

 

But did I really believe it? ….And did I believe I was worthy of it?

 

I had certainly sought out every person I could find that would prove to me that unconditional love was indeed not true.

 

I said I believed that marriage was good.

 

But did I really believe it?

 

I said it’s amazing when people share decades together.

 

But did I really believe it?

 

And could I believe they were actually happy and connected throughout those years?

 

…So many people seemed miserable.

 

I said all these things…

 

I said I believed in loyalty, and commitment – but when I looked at my decisions, fear was the thing that ran my life. It certainly wasn’t faith.

 

I once read a quote, (I’m paraphrasing), that was something of the likes of “what you do comes from who you believe you are.”

 

And I had adopted all kinds of things about marriage and commitment and love and attached them to who I am, and it’s just not true.

 

We do this.

 

There are many opportunities in adulthood to challenge what we have accepted as truth.

 

Do we take these opportunities?

 

Do we ask the hard questions?

 

And listen to the truth?

 

And seek to understand?

 

We are not always simple.

 

There are parts of ourselves –

 

Parts of ourselves that are injured and in need of healing. Maybe they’re frozen in time –

 

Parts that are healthy and aware.

 

Parts that remain unconscious.

 

And throughout our lives, there are people who will place labels on us.

 

They’ll tell us who we are, sometimes before it’s even proven true.

 

They’ll make verbal judgments.

 

They’ll place us in boxes.

 

And we participate.

 

Either by accepting these labels, judgements, or tiny spaces, or by being the culprits ourselves.

 

But they’re not always accurate.

 

Guys, the truth is, I would never prefer a salsa rueda over one dance, with one person. I’m loyal to a fault.

 

That’s what’s scary – when I’m in, I’m in. But how can I trust that you are too?

 

So many areas of my life illustrate that I believe in loyalty, trust, honesty, commitment –

 

….But here, in this area of my life I think it’s a great idea to stay non-committal to avoid risk?

 

All the sudden, I have just realized how dumb this is.

 

And how inconsistent it is with who I really am.

 

Dr. Joe has a way of bridging these things –

 

Of showing me what I believe on the field –

 

What I preach to players –

 

And then saying “don’t change the rules.”

 

So when I say, “Take risks, give everything you have, it’s the process not the result, regardless of the outcome there are always lessons, it’s about your growth as a person and a player, rigorous personal honesty is required….”

 

I shouldn’t change the rules.

 

Why should it be any different when it comes to love, life and commitment?

 

Listen, maybe this doesn’t relate to you at all.

 

Or maybe it does.

 

I think it will always be uncomfortable, to write about things that are so deeply personal to me, but I can’t not do it.

 

And I still don’t know why – but I just do it. I don’t resist – I just listen, write and share.

 

Perhaps it’s the years of talking about my feelings in a room full of other people in recovery – something about being honest with others, and that whole accountability thing.

 

But the universal message – the thing I think we can all ask –

 

Is what do you believe?

 

Not, what do you say you believe.

 

What do you really believe?

 

What do your decisions reflect?

 

Maybe ask, where these beliefs were born, and why you maintain them, and if they’re consistent with who you are and what you want.

 

It’s been weeks since I left this conversation with Dr. Joe.

 

And I haven’t stopped thinking about these things.

 

It’s frightening. It’s difficult. Sometimes it brings sadness and grief, and others it brings insights and clarity.

 

I don’t like that my answer is “Yes, Dr. Joe. I want to dance with somebody.”

 

“….I wanna feel the heat with somebody…”

 

Just kidding. Shit got real again – Enter, Whitney.

 

…..

 

Perhaps we never actually figure things out.

 

But I think it’s about our attempt –

 

To know ourselves.

 

To understand.

 

To consistently try to be better, more honest, and more confident in who we are, what we believe, and how we’re living.