Warrior Soccer Training

“My entire life can be summed up in one sentence….
‘well that didn’t go as planned.’”
-Unknown

 

So, an MRI last week showed that I have a tear in the soleus of my calf. There’s also a tear in the facial tissue in between the gastrocnemius and the soleus, as well as evidence of a prior tear, probably from the spring, which I wasn’t aware of.

 

I’m out for a bit – weeks, not months. Not a year. I’ve missed the last two games, and maybe one or two more. That leaves only a couple of games, and I’m unsure even then, where I will be with this thing….

 

There’s no denying this is frustrating in many ways. It’s unfortunate timing, considering the stage in the season that I was rushed here for.

 

I’ve spent years of my life working through things that I attached to soccer – things that didn’t belong in my relationship with soccer.

 

Then the battle to play again – to work through that load of inner dialogue.

 

But – I’m here – and fit with a lot to offer and free and eager to share it.

 

…and at the moment, still unable.
So, what do I do?

 

I acknowledge this sucks. I allow myself to feel whatever I’m feeling. I shut down the shit that needs to be shut down. Then I come back to reality, choose faith, trust the process, and go forward with the things I can control.

That leads me to the next question….

What can I control?

 

….. I can stay fit without reinjuring it, I can remain dedicated to the treatment, take care of my body, have a good attitude, encourage the girls, be a good team mate and continue learning….

When things outside of your control disrupt your plans, there are choices to be made in what you do and how you think…

I have three core thoughts….

I’m not the master of the universe (thank God).

There are still plenty of things within my control – what are they?

….And….this is life.

…it doesn’t always go as planned.

The good news is, I don’t believe there are mistakes .

 
In times like these, we also are able to see our growth.
Sometimes when I’m trying to face issues in my life – when I’m seeking healing or progress, I don’t always see results. Especially as I start digging deeper. I’m there now – I have been for months. Swimming in the deep end, sometimes feeling like it may just be…..endless shit. Desperate for results – wanting to come out the other side, and when that doesn’t feel like it’s happening, wondering why bother – why I try at all. …Maybe denial is better…

 

Working through the shit in our lives is hard.

But here I am, and I see the growth in this area of my life. I saw it in many ways with the Spirit – the way I was finally walking the walk I had been talking for so long.

….at one time, an injury would have sent me into an emotional and psychological downward spiral. It would have been an all-encompassing, overwhelming, self-consuming thing that would have taken me out.

I would have experienced debilitating shame. The kind that isolates you and causes you to hide.

It may seem silly to have that kind of shame over something like this, but when you feel like you are unworthy apart from performance….even a small road block that prevents you from contributing on the field can trigger a response that may not make sense to some.

Being sidelined were some the darkest times in my life. Not because of the injury itself – but because my distraction was removed.

Suddenly, I had to deal with me.

With what was really going on.

…..to be in this place where I can rationally respond to this, and not feel shame about who I am and what I have to offer. To not shutdown, or hide, but to stay open and connected to the people around me while being able to say “yeah, this is shit luck, but here’s what I can do.” Huge.

That’s a miracle. For me…

A freakin’ miracle.

But that didn’t just happen. I had to do the work. Talk – seek help – remove things that were toxic – seek things that were good. It was work that wasn’t particularly comfortable – it was hard. And long. And humbling. And not a pretty process.

 

It’s not a mistake that all of this is happening for me right now. The being sidelined – the evidence of the growth in this area….all of it.

 

When I first chose to pursue a life of growth 10 years ago, at that time that meant I had to remove something that I was using to numb and escape.

Over the last 10 years, sure I’ve had times where I’ve used other things to numb or avoid – working out, relationships, shopping – this is the human condition. We like distractions. We like to avoid. And the extremist that I can be, I have to pay attention…

 

But at the end of the day it’s progress, not perfection.

 

There are times I will fail and fail badly. Times I will run and hide. Times I will find myself in something – a behavior, a relationship, a pattern where I have to go…woah, what’s this about? But the over arching commitment needs to always come back to “lets face this and get better from it.” “Be a freakin’ warrior.”

 

I was told this journey would be like peeling back the layers of an onion – well, I have felt like the last year and a half, I have arrived at the core. If it gets deeper than this….well…..that’s why it hasn’t been revealed yet. Cause I couldn’t deal with it.

 

Everything that is happening with this minor injury reminds me that there is hope.
Miracles have happened in my life, and change and growth have resulted from hard work.

 

It reminds me that the areas I’m dealing with currently – the hard, deep stuff I’ve experienced in relationship this year – the parts of myself that have surfaced asking to be seen, heard, loved and healed – there is reason to just keep going…

 

There will always be people who roll their eyes at self-help books, and all the stuff that goes along with choosing a life of emotional and psychological growth…..they can judge…

 

My question for them is “why would you rather put all of your effort in denial?”

 

Cause that effort goes somewhere.

 

In the lies we tell ourselves or the truth we choose to pursue.

 

…..You don’t get fit or stay fit without participating in your training.

 

…..You don’t get well or stay well without participating in your wellness.

 

No one is magically that healthy.

 

If they are….I haven’t met them.

 

Finally, as I find myself in this amazing country, loving the culture, adoring the scenery, I remember how little of life is actually black and white.

 

How little is actually linear.

 

Sometimes we go forward, and then back again in order to go forward. Some times, most times, we just want to make sense of things – label them, and neatly store them away, so that we can find security again in that illusion of control.

But, sometimes we can’t. Sometimes it’s just not that simple. Sometimes our job isn’t to understand…or maybe it’s just not time yet for us to understand.

Life is not all good or all bad. And here, I really get that.

I have some shitty circumstances sitting within amazing circumstances.

I have an injury and a relational loss – all within an amazing adventure.

I have heartbreak and heart joy.

….Sadness and excitement.

….Waves of grief and also gratitude.

….layers.

So yeah, my life can be summed up in one sentence “it didn’t go as planned.”

But every time it hasn’t gone as planned, here’s what I learned :

It wasn’t punishment, it was grace.

It wasn’t because God didn’t love me, it was because He does.

I woke up Saturday morning to clear skies and sunshine. I say that as if it’s unusual for Brisbane, a city where the license plates read “sunshine state.” …The irony after being in Florida for five years. Somehow, I keep finding myself in sunshine states.

 
Excited to see more of Brisbane, I set out to explore different parts of the city. First, a street called James Street in Fortitude Valley, which seems to be known for high end boutiques and brunch – I could see myself going here with my sister and brother – in – law regularly. A quality cup of coffee, avocado toast with lemon and arugula, and shopping? Yes, please. At one point, I was holding a plain white t shirt with a price tag of $185…but I’m still interested. 🙂 …. Later in this blog, I will write about how I want less stuff. Which makes this contradictory, yet perfectly representative of how I want nothing and everything all at once. Makes perfect sense, I know.

 
Then, I explored the West End, which is called “quirky” by most, and seemed younger, edgier and almost a bit grungy – you know, hipsters, vegans, breweries, vintage shops, and real book stores. ……Some of us millennials like outdated things like real pages to turn.

 
Here, there was no shortage of fantastic, unruly hair (which, if you know me, will cause me to stop and stare, deer – in – headlights style as if I’m being charmed by a snake charmer), and some real live hippies. I smiled as I walked by a girl with dreads twirling a hula hoop in front of a corner store while her bare foot boyfriend played his guitar with his band of misfits and a sign in front which read “be excellent to each other.”

 
I liked both places very much. Different and with their own unique charm – I can see myself frequenting both while I’m here.

 
Then I walked to South Bank, where the city was packed with people at something called “Regional Flavours” – Brisbane’s Food and Wine Festival in the Parklands. There were venders everywhere, and music played nearby by a local acoustic artist. Close by was a market called Collective Markets, where local vendors sell jewelry, clothes, art, etc. I bought some fun things made by local artists.

 
Here I also saw a street performer, with a unicycle, flaming torches, and an Australian charm that seems to be a collective national characteristic full of wit, charisma and charm.

 

Sunday morning, I woke up and accepted an invitation to a photography exhibition from a barista at a local café. Most days before training, I wander around the corner to an Italian café to get a medium long black, and I chat with the guy behind the counter. He asked me to join him and a friend – I chose to practice my new mantra of “just say yes.”

 

Many lessons, from one small encounter. First, look what happens when you actually talk to people instead of rushing about pretending like you’re too busy, avoiding any eye contact and sending off vibes of “don’t talk to me.” And for reasons, I’m still unsure of. Fear? Anxiety? Introversion? A general sense of “it’s weird to talk to strangers?” Second, the test to just go. And third, a lesson from him – the kind stranger who was confident and vulnerable enough to extend an invitation.

 

The exhibit was a world journalism exhibit. It was beautiful, and Sunny and his friend were lovely. Artsy, creative types – both with kind eyes that hold histories, inviting both questions and curiosity.

 
In a new city, surrounded by new conversation, new landscapes, new art, lots of energy and endless walking, there is ample time to think. And I spent a lot of time thinking,

 
….I found myself thinking, and thinking, and thinking.

 
Thinking of how I overthink.

 
Thinking of how the best things transpire when I don’t.

 
Thinking of how life will unfold, and sometimes our only responsibility is to pay attention and respond.

 
Thinking of how trying to control is my autopilot response, but how limiting that is.
My knowledge, experience, and wisdom are limited – God’s, the Universe’s, whatever you want to call it is vast. Unknown. And if I believe that God is a good God, and a God who loves me and wants what is best for me, why wouldn’t I embrace the unknown, and let life happen. …Just roll with it. …. Like the girl with the hula hoop.

 
I spent time thinking of how simplicity always brings color to my life.

 
The rebellion of not overthinking Australia. Simplistic Thinking.

 
The small closet in my room here with such a shortage of “stuff.” Yet, I’m finding I feel clearer, less anxious, freer. Maybe stuff makes me nervous? Maybe I don’t know how to remain unattached? And I don’t even have a lot of stuff, you guys! I’m practically a poor person. I own a car. No house. No grand bank accounts. No diamonds or jewels. Just a heap of endless shit at home in my tiny apartment.

 

Maybe it’s just the fear of losing stuff that keeps me from waning stuff.

 

I don’t have it figured out just yet – I just know I feel better with less. …. But I have a tendency to purse more. I’m drawn to the $185 plain white t shirt, but also ok walking away from it.

 

Maybe we all fall into the trap of consumerism and materialism. Maybe it’s a matter of recognizing our susceptibility in trying to fill that internal hole with things when it’s a spiritual problem.

 

Maybe it’s as simple as this is just where I’m at, in this moment. Wanting to live without things.

 
Simplicity right now looks like this:

 

Get invited? Say yes.

 

Screw up? Oh well.

 

Hurt someone’s feelings? Apologize sincerely.

 

Feel attracted? Let it happen.

 

Feel a connection? Explore it further.

 

Feel excited? Go with it.

 

Didn’t work out? Something better is coming.

 

An unexpected disappointment? Can’t control it.

 

Simplicity.

 

There is nothing to be accomplished or figured out with cyclical thinking. With running a feeling down every imaginable avenue.

 

If you are like me, you feel a lot. And you feel intensely. And you will both fail and exhaust yourself if you try to disassemble every feeling you have. Recognize it, feel it, respond to it, let it go. If it’s worth exploring for answers, you will know.

 

I also spent a great deal of time thinking about priorities. Prioritizing what we spend our thoughts on – our energy on.

 

God, the time, energy, thoughts, and soul I’ve given to things that aren’t worthy. Wasted.

 

I’ve prioritized people who don’t prioritize me. I’ve been loyal to people who haven’t been loyal to me. I’ve wanted to include people in my experiences, when…I’m starting to think…. they don’t get that right. They don’t get to come along on every adventure…on every encounter.

 

I’ve loved people who haven’t loved me in return. And while, I don’t think we choose who we love, I think we can choose what we do with it. At the end of the day, we have to choose ourselves.

 

Most of my life, this has made me so uncomfortable. The idea of choosing myself. I thought it was selfish. And now I see, that there’s a certain amount of self-preservation here. If we find ourselves loving someone or something that isn’t good for our well-being,  then we are faced with questions of “do I love myself more? Enough to walk way? Enough to care for myself first?”

 

For a long, long time, at my own detriment I would have martyred myself in the name of love. And now I realize – there is nothing noble about this. What’s noble? Saying I love you, but I love me too. And I am worthy of being loved in return. Furthermore, what I have to offer is good, and meaningful and someone else worthy deserves what I have.

 

It’s ok to choose yourself.

 

It’s ok to say “I love you, but in this case, I love me more.”

 
…Give yourself to people. But within right order. And by right order I mean, according to reciprocated expressions of importance and love.

 

Have the courage to invite love and offer invitation, but walk the other way when the RSVP reads “unavailable.”

 

Why? Because you are deserving. And if that goes unrecognized, you have been mistaken is assuming that you’ve found your person.

 

I think the bravest among us understand what it means to love. To give compliments. To be gut wrenchingly honest – about themselves, their feelings, their failures and fears, their desires. They share themselves and their souls. But, when it comes to interpersonal relationships, the bravest among us also know how to set and keep boundaries. The bravest among us, know how to love and accept themselves first. That is why they are able to put themselves out there in the world. Wholly, authentically, and honestly.

 

I don’t know why I’m writing this publicly. But I am. And I’m going to continue to, without reason, only knowing it feels right. It feels like it’s all part of whatever journey I’m on. Maybe healing. Maybe it’s the return to who I really am.  All I know, is that It feels like my chest is being ripped open, with entry in and a giant declaration of “Here I am. This is me, and I’m ok. “ And maybe just maybe, if you are reading,  you can relate. Maybe you understand. Maybe you can say, “me too.”

So here I am. Sitting in a room in an apartment in East Brisbane. When you enter my room, my bed is to the left, and is made with a steal blue comforter, so light it almost looks silver. Almost directly behind it, but a little to the left, a window which almost consumes the entirety of the back wall. Outside are palm trees. The wall across from my bed consists of a white desk and above it is a white picture, with a large black painted rectangle, with brush strokes outside the lines, and a golden circle with three layers. Next to the desk there are two closets.
At night, the lights from a nearby stadium called The Gabba shine through my window. An Australian game, which I have just learned of, called Australian Football League plays there. I’m both curious about the game and its players, which I hear are God like creatures, portraying near perfect athleticism. Who doesn’t want to watch statuesque Aussie men kick, catch, run, and tackle….?
It is bewildering that two weeks ago, I never imagined I would be writing from the other side of the world, in this room.
….Two weeks ago, I never imagined I would have a game to win tomorrow.
….Two weeks ago, I never imagined this would be my life…
I’ve found I’ve surprised even myself with the swiftness of such a big decision.
And then, I remember that when you insert this life event into the big picture of my life, it hasn’t been swift at all.
My word this year has been process.
Process.
Everything is in process. I’m in process, you’re in process – life is process.
Often times we isolate things, and the people around us isolate things. But only we know the event within the event. Nothing can ever really be isolated. All things fit together, working in harmony, orchestrated by who I believe to be God and in perfect timing.
Timing is a funny thing.
In the last year or so, it’s as if a midlife crisis knocked on my door a bit early (I hope, early), inquiring “why are you alive?” and “what are you doing here?”
Time started to feel like it was moving faster.
And living back in my hometown, surrounded predominately by families, brought forth questions of what I want my life to be like and how I want those things to look.
Conventional? Unconventional? By traditional standards or a bit outside the lines?
It’s easy to timeline life – we’re taught to do it. Get an education, get a job, get married, have kids, retire, die.
But what if there were other options?

 

What if you were unsure that’s how you wanted to proceed. And if you did choose to proceed as such, could you still do it creatively?
Deep questioning became my norm, and while I have always been a thinker, the intensity became uncomfortable.
I started to feel a push toward something different.
First, a feeling of being unsettled.
Then, frustration and a general feeling of being a bit lost and unsure of what to do next.
Followed by, a few too many solo declarations of : “there has to be more than this.”
And while these feelings surfaced, so did my desire to play again. Which, had been gently and patiently whispering to me for several years, before finally erupting with firmness asserting “it’s now or never, my friend.”
All of this combined, stirred up a call to act.
My twenties were spent thinking.
My thirties will be about doing.
All of my maybe’s, what if’s, some day’s….
Are becoming…go forward, do now, find out, act faithfully…
In this deep questioning, I can’t help but ask “who are the people I find interesting?”
“Who are the people who live a life that looks appealing and well suited for me?”

 

They are people who seek experience, not things.

 

Who value personal growth and who are willing to learn through discomfort and the unknown.

 

Who challenge themselves.

 

People who discuss ideas, and dreams. Who value thought and difficult questions.

 

These are the people who don’t give a damn about what anyone else thinks is right for their lives, and they don’t compare, because they know so deeply what’s right for them.

 

These are people who have grit.

 

They’re authentic, and unapologetically so.

 

These are the open minded and the open hearted – the strong, the vulnerable, and the willing.

 

I want to be like these people.

 

These people seem to do these things:

 

They act.

 

They take advantage of opportunities.

 

They do something – anything, rather than nothing, because action will guide the way.

 

They understand nothing is ever final – each step takes you to the next step.

 

They aren’t crushed by disappointment or overinflated by success.

 

They see value in everyone and everything.

 

They don’t overthink and underact. They act.

 

They’re open. And they stay open. They don’t shut down, run away, or give up.

 

They have the guts to put it out into the universe, and they let the universe answer.

 

They own their life experience.

 

They act in leaps of faith, and God delivers in the big ways.

 

They persist, knowing that just because it’s not now, doesn’t mean it’s not ever.

 

They trust the process.

 

They have the mental resolve, to refrain from talking themselves out of opportunities.

 

They tell fear to piss off.

 

They’re open minded enough to acknowledge that past experiences don’t always dictate all new experiences.

 

They trust their intuition.

 

They’re good listeners. To others, and to themselves.

 

They refrain from judgment.

 

They take risks.

 

They live big – creatively and according to their own unique call.

 

They share who they are and what they have to offer.

 

They love. Abundantly. And they receive love in abundance.

 

These people.

 

I want to be like these people.

 

Open. Loving. Adventuring. Experiencing. Embracing. Sharing. Trying. Growing. Connecting. Conversing. Dreaming. Learning. Daring. Risking. Expressing. Being.

 

With no regrets.

 

And with a life that’s been lived.

 

The Spirit was my first act – Australia is act two. I can’t wait to find out what’s next.

 

 

 

 

 

When I first dreamt up the idea of Warrior Soccer Training, I cared more about the character and integrity of how I wanted to train players. The process.

 

My whole life has been about learning technique and tactic. I’ve been fortunate to learn from some of the best – and I’ve always been confident that I can aid players in player development. I can teach the basics, help to establish a solid foundation, and assist players in getting to the next level – that to me is the easy stuff. That’s second nature.
And really, almost anyone with experience and expertise can do that.

 

The thing that separates trainers in my opinion is style and philosophy.

 

Much of my experience as a player was about winning.

 

Chasing the next accomplishment.

 

Getting to the next level.

 

And after college there came a time where I asked – at what cost?

 

My life mission and my mission with Warrior Soccer Training is to develop great soccer players in a way that serves them and the people around them on a human level. If I help to develop a World Cup Champion, but at the detriment of his or her soul, I’m not interested. That surprises some people. Especially, because I promise results. People bring their child to me for player development – increased skill with a soccer ball. That’s where my personal experience can be shared.

 

But is that all?

 

I get an hour or an hour and a half with your child once or twice a week.

 

What am I saying to him or her? How am I motivating them? What kind of inner dialogue am I teaching or reinforcing?

 

If I was a parent, I would care.

 

In my opinion, we should all care.

 

I was at a game a few weeks ago listening to an unnamed coach call his boys a name similar to “wussies,” but worse. They were 14.

 

The only assumption I can make, from knowing this person is that he felt that shaming them would drive them.

 

As they sat there with dejected shoulders, refusing to make eye contact I wonder if the thought crossed his mind that his tactics were nothing but harmful.

 

These are the coaches that make it about themselves. We all know them. The win is the most important – and it’s all about them.

 

I just heard another story from a former teacher, a coach and a friend who told me that a parent from the other team yelled “get the linebacker off the field” about a ten year old girl.

 

Now I know this little girl, and I love her. She’s so hardworking, so sweet, intense, fierce, competitive, kind, and an absolute original. I hope she knows this and believes it. I think she’s a rock star.

 

My question is……..WHY IS THIS ACCEPTABLE?
Please…Can someone tell me why this is acceptable? Ever?

 

You wanna know what’s best for those 14 year old boys?

 

You wanna know what’s best for those 10 year old girls?

 

To leave feeling empowered. Strong. Confident. Excited and enthusiastic about themselves and their sport. To experience team comradery and connectedness. To learn mental toughness, discipline, commitment, ownership, and a solid work ethic. To know what it feels like to have a positive outlet, to encourage others, to be competitive, but kind and to show respect to themselves and to others.

 

…All while getting better as an athlete and a soccer player.

 

I’m so sick of seeing us miss the mark. US Soccer has this mission to get it right technically and tactically, believing that we’ve missed the mark in being global competitors, particularly in the men’s game. And yes, I agree that grassroots soccer needs some changes, but I’m more disturbed by what’s happened on a human level at ALL levels of the game.

 

I see my job – and the job of coaches and trainers, is to create a safe space where development of self and player can bloom and players can engage in a healthy relationship with the sport we all love.

 

And here’s the big thing, guys. You ready? The training can still be quality.

 

I think some of us have made this very black and white – we misunderstand.

 

We think of the lighter, softer way – kids just get to play the whole practice, and at games everybody gets a trophy. You know the one’s who are “just doing it for fun.”

 

Now, if you’ve ever met me, you know this is not my style. Everybody gets a trophy? No. Part of learning how to be a person of character and integrity is learning how to lose. There is one trophy. If your feelings are hurt, you’ve learned an important lesson. Life will hurt your feelings – I promise. How you respond is the only thing that matters.

 

On the flip side, we think of the serious player. This player might need to train or be coached by some hardcore soccer nazi who will scream players into submission and employ any means necessary for results.

 

Good luck with that.

 

The money you spend on training will likely double in therapy bills later in life…just sayin’.

 

I cannot get this message across with any more fervor – you do not have to be an asshole to be a great athlete. You do not need to get coached or trained by an asshole to be a good athlete.

 

….There is another way.

 

Being a great person and being a great player/coach/trainer are not mutually exclusive. You can be both. I know, mind boggling in today’s athletic climate.

 

We almost celebrate ruthlessnes.

 

We laugh at coaches shaming players, and we treat athletes conditionally based off of performance. At high levels you know what I saw – fear and a hierarchy of performance. The better you are, the better you are treated. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

 

….Are we ok with this?

 

I am desperate to share this with the athletes I train : you do not have to be nasty to be competitive. You can be the most competitive athlete ever and still want well for those around you. Because there’s a difference between wanting to win and wanting you to lose. There’s a difference between wanting to be the best, and wanting to just be better than you.

 

….Want to win. Want to be the best for you.

 

And be happy for the people around you who win. There’s enough to go around – there is no scarcity of success, and success and failure are never final.

 

Be a good person first.

 

Be a good team mate.

 

Love yourself and the people around you.

 

If you are a coach or trainer, know that it’s a gift – you and I have been trusted to spend time with these little people – we’ve been trusted to play a role in their journey – to participate in the experiences that shape them.

 

If  we care about the next win or the next “accomplishment,” at the expense of the person or team, we have failed.

 

I will finish with this –

 

The Japanese have a word that illustrates the connectedness of mind, body, and spirit.

 

In western culture we often place divisions between heart, mind, and spirt, but in Eastern culture, the three are not separate and connected, the three are one.

 

The word is Kokoro.

 

In an article, about kokoro, the author writes:

“’Kokoro is well understood in Japanese, but difficult to explain in English,’ says Yoshikawa Sakiko, director of Kyoto University’s Kokoro Research Center. Conceptually, it unites the notions of heart, mind, and spirit : It sees these three elements as being indivisible from one another. ‘For example if we say, ‘she has a good kokoro,’ it means heart and spirit and soul and mind all together,’” (Livni, qz.com).

 

Heart, spirit, soul and mind are all together.

 

This is the Warrior Way.

 

Kokoro.

 

We want you to be the best on the field, but we want to help you get there through light, not darkness. And then, my dream for you is that you spread that light in an arena that needs it most. Be the light.

The Zode in the Road

Did I ever tell you about the young Zode,
Who came to two signs at the fork in the road?
One said to Place One, and the other, Place Two.
So the Zode had to make up his mind what to do.
Well…the Zode scratched his head, and his chin and his pants.
And he said to himself, “I’ll be taking a chance
If I go to Place One. Now, that place may be hot!
And so, how do I know if I’ll like it or not?
On the other hand though, I’ll be sort of a fool
If I go to Place Two and find it too cool.
In that case I may catch a chill and turn blue!
So, maybe Place One is the best, not Place Two,
But then again, what if Place One is too high?
I may catch a terrible earache and die!
So Place Two may be best! On the other hand though…
What might happen to me if Place Two is too low?
I might get some very strange pain in my toe!
So Place One may be best,” and he started to go.
Then he stopped, and he said, “On the other hand
though….
On the other hand…other hand…other hand though…”
And for 36 hours and a half that poor Zode
Made starts and made stops at the fork in the road.
Saying, “Don’t take a chance. No! You may not be
right.”
Then he got an idea that was wonderfully bright!
“Play safe!” cried the Zode. “I’ll play safe. I’m no dunce!
I’ll simply start out for both places at once!”
And that’s how the Zode who would not take a chance
Got no place at all with a split in his pants.

 

It’s been said that we teach what we most need to learn.
The first time I heard the phrase “paralysis by analysis” I was sitting in All Children’s Johns Hopkins in St. Petersburg, Florida during a lecture at one of my Warrior Soccer Training Camps. An experienced and successful sports psychologist delivered the message, and there I sat, dedicated to my mission to educate young players and aid them in their pursuit in player development, reflecting on my own experience.
I looked around the room at players that I trained and thought “please get this.”
I saw players who I worked with for years, teaching and grooming their one versus one moves, knowing that they had a tool kit of at least 20 well practiced, efficient moves, yet chose not to use any of them in the heat of competition.
I saw players who complained they choked during big games. Players who didn’t perform to their ability during tryouts, and players who I could see get into their own heads during training or games.
Why could I recognize this? Why do I feel such a strong desire to introduce players to the tools and education now? Because I understand the struggle of overthinking, and I believe strongly that what and how you think will determine what kind of experience you have.
I think to some capacity most athletes have experienced overthinking at some time during their careers.
So, why do we overthink and how do we stop?
I can only speak from personal experience, and for me this is an ongoing practice.

 

Overthinking is definitely a struggle.

 

If I look at the root causes of overthinking it boils down to fear and the illusion of control. This is on the field and off the field.

 

On the field, we start to think about too many things – what’s my coach thinking? Am I going to get subbed? Why didn’t I start? How could I miss that shot? Why did I pass instead of taking that player on? I need to get the ball. I have to do something great.

 

….notice something similar about all of these things? They’re things that are out of our control, things that are negative, or things that weigh us down with pressure. ……to be honest, they’re things that don’t matter. They place us in bondage and rob us of our experience.

 

What your coach is thinking and your playing time – they’re out of your control entirely. You can impact these things by your actions, but you can’t control them.

 

At it’s root, is the fear. Fear of inadequacy, rejection, unworthiness, loss of position/time, etc….

 

“How could I…”, and “why did/didn’t I…” – that’s in the past…move on. Think about the present thing – the next thing.

 

“I need to get the ball” and “I have to do something great” – ok, let that go. Have the thought and move on. Think more along the lines of the action to get the ball. Can you show to the ball or look for a ball into space. Refocus to bring that into being.

 

The solution, at least for me, to overthinking is simplifying. Sometimes that requires a stop action in the midst of competition – literally visualizing a stop button in the middle of my forehead and imagining myself pushing it. Sounds silly, but it’s one of the best suggestions my sports psychologist in Baltimore ever gave me.

 

The second thing that helps me is visualization and meditation. Prior to playing, a guided visualization with breathing techniques, and affirmations calms my thoughts and reduces performance anxiety. It’s been critical. Had I utilized this more during times where I was mentally exhausting myself, I think I would have experienced relief.

 

Refocusing on the simple things is helpful as well. In competition, if you find yourself thinking about five hundred things at once, or you find yourself overthinking a specific action (for example shooting: shooting over, kicking the ground, missing the ball, mishitting, shooting wide), refocus with one phrase – “drive it” “run through” whatever. I’ve found that this brings me back to being present. It returns my mind to what I’m doing.

 

And finally, faith – having faith that your body knows what to do. If you’ve trained properly, your body has a mind of it’s own. All the skills you need are stored and ready to be used. Your thinking only places a hindrance on your ability. Give yourself permission to just do.

 

In life, I think to some degree overthinking can be developed as a hypervigilance to self protect. We tie in old stories, old traumas, and past experiences, and we begin to believe that if we just think through every scenario we can prevent the bad things from happening.

 

When we talk about life, things get a little more complicated – there’s more layers, more at stake, and more involved.

 

I once heard a man say “I can pull up to a red light, look over and see a pretty woman and before the light turns green I have already imagined our meeting, our dating, our wedding, our marriage and our divorce.”

 

Who else is guilty of this?

 

We can exhaust ourselves with the stories we play out. Most times, if I start to question these stories instead of believing they’re reality, I can see exactly where they stem from.

 

Just like on the field, the more we allow overthinking to spiral, the more power it gains and the more paralyzed we become. For some of, we may react in overthinking – the opposite of paralysis, but still the result is the same. Paralysis and reacting out of our stories, both withhold us from accomplishing what we really want.

 

The solution is the same – stay present, keep it simple, have faith. Easier said than done, but It’s a daily practice. There are times, I am horrible at this, and times I’ve been better. I have to remind myself, it’s a choice and a discipline.

 

Faith requires us to accept uncertainty – We don’t know and we’re not in control. Our actions can certainly influence results, but in the end we’re not the director of all of life. And when I find myself overthinking, I’m trying to do just that – figure it all out and direct. The question for me can’t be, what’s going to happen. It needs to be, what can I do today? What can I do right now? What’s the next right thing?

 

Sometimes I find I know exactly what I need to do and overthinking starts the minute I choose to talk myself out of doing what I know I need to do, because it’s hard or because I’m scared. At that moment, it takes mental strength to just say, this is right, this is what I’m doing, done.

 

There’s something to be said for trusting your gut too. Your first instinct is usually right. Your intuition is there for a reason – it doesn’t lie. We get into trouble when we want to question or change what we already know to be true. Intuition is a funny thing – sometimes we choose not to trust ourselves, because we want logic. We want proof. Sometimes, in an effort to get the logic and the proof, we just take ourselves down a road of heartache. Trust that your intuition is sometimes all the proof that you need.

 

I was talking to one of my very best friends, Sheree on the phone about this yesterday. She understands the concept of overthinking well, and she told me what her husband sometimes tells her “you know what – sometimes apples are just apples and oranges are just oranges.” We laughed. As simple as that sounds, sometimes there’s really no more to the story. It’s that cut and dry – that black and white. And even if it’s not, we can choose to accept that scenario in an effort to save our sanity and redirect our energy to something worthy of our time.

 

Finally, I think it’s important to remember that life is ever changing. Nothing is final – things change, circumstances change. If we decide to act in one direction, it doesn’t mean we are stuck there. Indecision, like the Zode, leaves us no where. Had the Zode just decided, he would have been one step closer to getting to where he wants to go.

 

In the end, it’s all for our good.  Trust the process. If you find you’ve made a decision and you’re not where you want to be, make another decision. It’s all a ripple effect – but you have to choose. You have to act. Overthinking can lead to indecision and indecision leads us nowhere. Paralysis by analysis or action? We always have a choice.

Lisa Rainsberger, a former Olympic distance runner and the winner of the 1985 Boston Marathon said: “In every work out there comes a moment where you have to decide to keep pushing hard – through the doubt, discomfort and fear of the pain. You have two choices at this point – to push through and to mentally divorce you mind of the doubt, discomfort or fear or you can surrender.”

The legendary Vince Lombardi said “mental toughness is essential to success,” and Muhammad Ali said, “I hated every minute of training, but I said…don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life a champion.”

… “don’t quit. Suffer now.”

Here’s where I think we start.

Mental toughness isn’t something you’re born with. It’s natural instinct to avoid pain.

Mental toughness is learned. How? Practice.

David Goggins, an American ultramarathon runner, triathlete, ultra-distance cyclist and former world record holder said, “It hurts, but that’s all it does. The most difficult part of the training is training your mind. You build calluses on your feet to endure the road. You build calluses on your mind to endure the pain. There’s only one way to do that. You have to get out there and run.”

Aside from being elite level athletes and champions, what do Rainsberger, Ali and Goggins all have in common? They started by acknowleding that pain, discomfort, even suffering would be present in their pursuit.

I remember that turning point for me – we all have one, I think. I stood at the cross roads, at the age of 14 after a disappointment and a bit of maturity, thinking “….wow, this is gonna be really hard.”

It was like all the sudden, I came to terms with what it would take to chase my goals – and it suddenly looked like an uphill climb. A steep one.

I remember taping an Anson Dorrance quote to my wall that read : “The vision of a champion I someone who is bent over, drenched in sweat, at the point of exhaustion, when no one else is watching.”

It was the realization that – it’s gonna hurt.

…And that most people stop upon the arrival of discomfort.

The question for the athlete is : do you want to be like most people?

Learning how to push through discomfort started with acknowledging that pain would be present and accepting that there was no way to avoid this. Once I accepted this, I could relax.

The energy that it takes to perform at a high level in sports is immense. If we fight against the pain or discomfort, we waste energy. We tense up. If we accept its presence, we let go – we lean in.

Next, I had to learn how to disassociate a bit. What I mean by this is, I had to learn where to put my focus. Often times, when discomfort starts to set in, it demands our attention. I had to learn how to redirect my attention elsewhere – a focal point, a word, a thought, a repetitive phrase – something. This also keeps me present. Staying present has been critical for me. If I set out to run ten 120’s or a mile in 6:30, I can’t think about the entirety of what I’m doing. I think about that 120. Or that lap or that minute. For me, if look at the entirety of what I’m about to do it’s overwhelming. But, by breaking it up, step by step, I complete the task at hand before I know it.

I think attitude is critical as well. You can either feel sorry for yourself or embrace your strength. That choice is always present. If you embrace your strength there’s a certain power that comes. For me, it’s always been a competition with self :

Can you do one more?

Can you do this one faster?

Can you make this one better?

Can you see this as a challenge instead of a punishment?

Soccer has always been my greatest teacher. So much of what I’ve lived, I’ve been able to understand through the lessons of the game, and whenever I write, I enjoy drawing parallels between the lessons of the game and the lessons in life.

For me, this lesson – the lesson of fighting through discomfort, and having faith in yourself and in the light at the end of the tunnel has transferred in so many ways in my life.

Life presents it’s fair share of emotional discomfort. We go through hard things – losses, heartbreaks, illnesses, injuries, major changes, disappointments and hardships of all kinds.

When the hard things of life present themselves, we find ourselves in the same place as we do during our runs – do we quit or persevere?

We can quit in all kinds of ways – we can give up, distract ourselves, settle, run away, isolate, etc. And the result is the same – if we quit on our run, we stay where we are. We don’t go any further, get any better. We settle for mediocrity – we settle to stay the same.

If we push, we earn the results, we reap the benefits and we change for the better.

We sacrifice the temporary for the long term. And in that process, we learn how to be comfortable being uncomfortable.

The same is true in life. When things present themselves – whether they be internal or external, we have the choice to face them, go through them, and come out the other side, or we can stay where we’re at. I’m willing to bet, that pushing through is not gonna feel good, but it’s gonna be worth it.

The first step is always the same – acknowledging and accepting the things that come up in life.

In sport, we’re committed to physical improvement – we want that 6:40 mile to get down to 6:30 and then to 6:20. We want to find that far post in striking and finishing practice 8 out of 10 times and then 9 out of 10 times and then 10 out of 10 times. We want results!

When we talk about emotional or spiritual growth, sometimes it’s not as easy to gauge. And sometimes, believe it or not, it’s more painful.

When we’re faced with the things in our lives that need to change, whether it be people, places, things, it’s often us that needs to change first. That’s an inside job – that’s a job that requires us to acknowledge and accept the things about ourselves that we dislike and the things we have to address. If we deny their presence or try to avoid them, we earn nothing.

It’s the great paradox of acceptance. The fight to control, takes us to the place where we have no control – it intensifies the battle. Acceptance leads us to the freedom to change.

Dissociation transfers in a different way. This has actually not been a good tool for emotional growth – dissociation is tool I can run to in denial. But, part of dissociation when pushing through exertion pain, is the tool of thought – what you focus on.

The power of focus is enormous when confronted with personal growth. Focusing on faith, employing positive thought patterns – all critical.

There also has to be the belief in what we’re doing – a connection in understanding that the process is worth it.

Muhammed Ali started with, “don’t quit. Suffer now…” but, that’s not where he ends. He continues, “and live the rest of your life a champion.”
A champion is defined as “a person who has defeated or surpassed all rivals in competition…”

I am my only real rival.

You are your only real rival.

Get better.

Grow.

Change.

Acknowledge. Accept. Lean in. Push through. Conquer.

Be the champion, you already are. On and off the field.

“Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love.”

– Brene Brown

If you haven’t picked up on it yet, I’m a big Brene Brown fan.

When I decided to tryout for the Spirit, I started seeing a Sports Psychologist. It had been seven years since I played, and in that time I had evolved in so many ways. The person I was the last time I played, was not the person who sat in his office. One of the fears I brought to him was, “could I still perform at a high level as this person?”

The process of training for the Spirit revealed a motivational evolution. What once drove me, no longer existed. My why had changed.

For most of my playing as I reached high levels, I was fueled by the negative in my life. The things that drove me were the things that wounded me. Soccer was an outlet – I took the thing I loved most and allowed it to be driven by the things that hurt me most. For a while I remember thinking – “do I even like soccer?” I couldn’t tell anymore because there was so much wrapped up in it. I was also on a quest for self worth, so there was a certain desperation to succeed. I crossed over from feeling like I wanted soccer to feeling like I needed soccer. That’s a dangerous place to be.

As I sat there,  I knew all of this was unhealthy. And I wasn’t willing to go back.

I had even committed myself and made it my personal mission to train young players to play from a place that was contrary to this. I aim to help them be the best versions of themselves in the most beneficial way to themselves. I have a holistic belief system to training that’s central to what I practice and preach when training others, but I wasn’t sure that I knew how to practice it with myself. Not really. Not upon entering a highly competitive environment with elite level athletes. I was afraid a switch would be triggered and I would return to old ideas and thought patterns.

I was worried.

I went to see my sports psychologist and I sat down and explained some of my fears.

First, I told him about my current state. “When I make mistakes, I speak to myself like I speak to the kids that I train – ‘get the next one’ instead of ‘that sucked, what’s wrong with you?'”

I was concerned that I wasn’t serious enough anymore (which is ridiculous in retrospect – I have been called “Ms. Intensity” by college professors, strangers at the gym, and friends – a name I’m still unsure as to whether I like). Regardless, my sense of humor reveals itself now sometimes when I make mistakes – certainly not all the time, but sometimes I laugh and say things like “well that was pretty.”

I’m still hard on myself – but sometimes it seems like I’m ok with errors and mistakes. The voice of abuse no longer exists. Did I need that? Later, I discovered that wasn’t even my voice anyway – it was learned.

Next, I talked to him about physical training. “Work ethic has never been an issue,” I said. “I’m not worried about my ability to physically prepare. But I am battling this fine line between what’s enough and what’s too much.” This has always been a battle. Over the years, I learned to stop. I skipped workouts when my body felt like it needed it. Now, when I get tired training, I push, but I don’t push to the point where I can hardly walk. I can say “that’s good for today.” There are plenty of days where I struggle finding that off switch. There are days where I think “that might have been just a tad too much.” But, overall there’s major progress.

Still, I had fears which questioned : have I gotten soft? Did I learn to start giving in?

I’ve really had to work on learning how to push my body, but reign it in before entering into self destructive, over training mode. This is an ongoing lesson, and again, this was a gift found through training others. My focus for players is to successfully complete an intense training session where results are achieved, but in a safe environment. When something is bothering them, we stay light and technical. Over training isn’t even an option, because their well being is the priority. Its counter productive, and my goal is always to serve them in the best way possible. This is certainly not achieved by driving their bodies into the ground.

So, as I sat across from this sports psychologist, who worked with Ravens and other professional athletes, I realized I was almost asking him to validate everything I had based my training company around. I was wrestling with the bridge between my experience as a youth player and my experience as an adult coach.

I was asking:

Is it ok that I’ve found my inspiration in gratitude, passion, joy and confidence?
If I’m honest, I’m afraid these things might make me average.
They might keep me from pushing to higher levels.
I guess I still have this old idea that the crazy made me good.

Is it ok that I want to play as someone who loves soccer? Who wants to give back to this thing that has always loved me and served me when I allowed it to?

             Can I play from my purest self, with my playing being an expression of creativity                and passion?

Is it ok that I’m no longer someone who needs soccer and asks for something from it?

Is it ok to come from a place of inspiration instead of desperation?

Can I be joyous, free, and still good?

In earlier years, If I was an artist, I would have adopted a tortured artist archetype, believing that my creativity and legitimacy was dependent upon my suffering.

Now I asked, is it possible that I found success in spite of this, not because of it?

I was no longer willing to have the same experience through this process with the Spirit. I wasn’t willing to go the places mentally that I once did.

This sports psychologist, looked at me with a smile and said “necessary lies.”

Hmm….Necessary lies.

The things we’ve believed – the things we chose to believe – the things we had to believe.

He asked me how that worked out for me.

“Well,” I said, “injuries, drinking and a general feeling of insanity.”

We laughed.

I think we all have necessary lies in our lives at various levels.

….They seem to be transferable skills too. …and not the good kind.

They play into work, life, relationships. They’re the things we think we need to hang on to for “success” or ambition.

In sports, they may be:

“I need to stay angry to be good.”

“Unhappiness, irritability, and dissatisfaction drive me.”

“Never be satisfied?”

“You’re not good enough. Fast enough. Skinny enough. Strong enough.”

“Win at any cost.”

“Insanity equals drive.”

Necessary lies are the falsehoods we’ve created for results – they’re usually negative, abusive, manipulative or demeaning – they’re usually rooted in fear.

They may work temporarily, but I don’t believe they work for the long haul.

My sports psychologist seemed pleased when I told him that I talk to myself like I talk to the players I train.

He asked me to keep the playing field fair. If I wouldn’t say it to a kid, don’t say it to myself. He still encouraged objective and honest critique, he just validated that I didn’t have to cross that line.

You hear professional athletes say things about the game being ninety percent mental and ten percent physical. Experience has proved this every time in my life.

Identifying and dismantling some of my necessary lies and playing fair allowed my experience to be positive. And you know what I learned – I can still perform in that arena. In fact, I can name a few very specific examples where I was able to perform well as a result of playing fair with myself. As athletes, we have to expel so much energy trying to perform – why waste any energy also fighting yourself? Perhaps one of the lessons through the process of my experience with the Spirit, was how to be my own champion. For that, I am grateful.

“Healthy striving is self focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other focused: What will they think? Perfectionism is the hustle.”

– Brene Brown

I love what Elizabeth Gilbert writes about perfectionism : “Perfectionism is just a high-end, haute couture version of fear…just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat, pretending to be elegant when actually it’s just terrified.”

Let that soak in.

Perfectionism – we dress it up, we glamorize it, we parade it like a badge of righteousness, and we admire it in others. But what’s behind perfectionism? Fear? Insecurity? A sense of inferiority? Maybe all of the above and then some.

A talented and experienced sports performance trainer that I recently had the privilege of meeting, Chris Gorres, said this to me recently: “I tell my kids all the time – go out there and get your ass kicked. And then get back up and get your ass kicked again.” A different way of saying this is when Amy Poehler said: “Great people do things before they’re ready. They do things before they know they can do it. Doing what you’re afraid of, getting out of your comfort zone, taking risks like that – that is what life is. You might be really good. You might find out something about yourself that’s really special and if you’re not good, who cares? You tried something. You know something about yourself.”

So, taking risks – is it correlated to the presence or absence of perfectionism? I think so. I think we have to grant ourselves permission to do the things that we do, in a way that’s less than perfect. In fact, sometimes we just don’t do it well at all. But, the more experience I gain, the more I realize, we have to be willing to be bad before we can be good.

When we choose perfectionism, we release our power. We say, what I think, feel and want is secondary to what you think of me. In a sense, it’s self-betrayal. When we choose perfectionism, we relinquish our identity. We say, I am what I do – all of my successes and failures define who I am and what I have to offer.

Perfectionism prevents us from taking risks, leads us to procrastinate, and causes us to quit.

This looks like the athlete who’s locked up in performance afraid to make a mistake. They play safe. Why? They haven’t yet accepted that the mistake isn’t indicative of their worth.

This looks like the player who over trains because nothing is ever good enough. I understand this one well. I’m here to tell you that never being satisfied may get you to a high level, but eventually it may come to bite you. There are plenty of times where you absolutely need to say, “that was good enough for today.”

If we choose healthy striving, we will have to say no to fear. Fear of what other people think, fear of failure, fear of not measuring up – fear of whatever it is that we’re fearing. I try to practice treating fear as a living, breathing entity. “Fear, you’re here – I knew you would show up, but I give you no power. I will continue on even if you’re present.” We can’t escape it, we might as well accept it and keep moving.

If we choose healthy striving we will have to balance the opinions of others. We can gain insight, advice, experience and expertise from the people around us. There’s no doubt that coaches, trainers, players, friends and family can see things that we can’t always see, and help us to improve areas of our lives that we don’t yet have the experience or expertise to improve in on our own. But, there’s also an element of filtering, that I think is important. What I mean is, my view of self is not contingent on your opinion. I am neither overly excited by your praise, or overly destroyed by your criticism. And this goes back to identity – knowing who you are and what you have to offer.

I tell players all the time when they’ve taken something negative on that a coach has said to them “that’s one person’s opinion.” That was told to me years ago, but it took me years to accept. I think sometimes we can hear 500 positive things, and hang on to the one negative thing. Almost as if we’ve said “there it is – the thing I’ve been waiting for someone to say.” I suppose that relieves our anxiety. Kind of like when we fear someone will make fun of us, so we make fun ourselves first. We’ve all been or seen that person. Regardless, it doesn’t serve us well. I can look back at my time as a young player and think: “you know what, I don’t receive or accept that.” It’s ok, to know who you are and to choose not to take on everything that everyone says to you, even the people you respect sometimes. It’s actually more than ok – I think it’s necessary.

In life and in sport, there will always be critics, but I want to end with three quotes that have been meaningful to me regarding this topic. The first is from Theodore Roosevelt:

“It’s not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again, but who does actually strive to do the deeds, who knows great enthusiasms, and great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid should who neither know victory nor defeat.”

The second is Brene Brown: “If you aren’t in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”

And the third, is a quote that hung on my mirror in grad school and has recently reemerged :

“When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you king for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what the man has to say.
For it isn’t a man’s father, mother or wife,
Whose judgment upon him must pass,
The fellow whose verdict counts most in life,
Is the man staring back from the glass.
He’s the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear to the end.
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test,
If the man in the glass if your friend.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But the final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.

This reminds me that this life is mine alone. This journey is mine alone. And the most important thing, is what I think and how I feel about myself. I cannot be the person I want to be in relationship with others – I can’t be the coach, trainer, mentor, friend, daughter, sister, aunt or lover I want to be, unless I’m first ok with myself. When my time comes to leave this earth, will I say in confidence “I have been true to myself.”

On a smaller scale, this is the question I want players to ask – was my experience mine? Did I own it? Did I strive in a healthy way – standing firm in who I am and owning that truth, or did I hustle for worthiness through perfectionism? Because, I believe the same truth applies – we can’t become the best version of ourselves on the field, if we don’t own who we are and what our experience is.

When we talk about sports performance it’s easy to yes to the hustle. Detrimental to spirit and soul, but easy because it’s common.

Healthy striving? Or perfectionism? …We always have a choice. Say no to the hustle.

 

 

“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”

– Winston Churchill

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”

– Soren Kierkegaard

     When we talk about failure, what do we mean? I failed at trying? I failed at completing? I failed at reaching my goal? I failed at maintaining my status? I failed at meeting someone else’s expectations? …What do we mean?

Often times, we view failure in terms of tangibles. I got cut, I got fired, I lost something (house, car, money), I got divorced, etc.

Within this idea of “failure” resides a tangled web of past experiences, false truths, misguided beliefs, fundamental ideas of self, worth and identity, and an abundance of fear. Not to mention a definition left open to interpretation and personal meaning.

Freedom from this idea of “failure” came when I started to believe that there’s no such thing as “failure.” It doesn’t exist – not really.

If I look at my life, what have I placed in this category of “failure?” What I found, was that “failures” are disappointments, unmet expectations and unrealized dreams. The things that didn’t happen – the things I couldn’t accomplish. When I say that failure isn’t real, I’m simply suggesting that we explore the idea that there is more to the story. It seems dismissive to leave things at “failure is not real.” When we experience disappointment, unmet expectations or unrealized dreams, the feelings that surround these events are definitely real. But, can we process “failure” in terms of disappointment, unmet expectations and unrealized dreams instead of just attaching “failure.”

When we think in terms of failure, we set limits. We create boxes to check off. We see things from a win/lose perspective. We lose sight of the things that matter – joy, passion, relationship, connection, experience – and shift into the things that don’t – ego and self-protection. We may shy away from risks, experiences or relationships because of the overwhelming fear that we can often attach to failure. The idea of “failure” is not an idea that serves us – it stunts us.

We also wrap up conventional ideas driven by societal norms. How it all looks. What will people think? Is it impressive? This is part of the fear factor – ego based, and unworthy of our time and attention.

Once this came into my consciousness, the question for me was “how do I shift from a success versus failure mindset to an experience driven mindset?”

I had to look at the entirety of my history to understand. I had to make clear distinctions between setting goals and allowing myself the freedom to detach from outcome and instead focus on process. There’s a distinct point in my timeline where perceived failure and learned helplessness started to fixate my attention only on outcome – the thing I can’t control. What I mean by learned helplessness is the feeling that nothing I do – no action I can take, will lead me to accomplish the goals I have set. “Someone else is in control and I can’t impact that.”

For most of my life, I believed firmly in the merit system – what you do, will earn you what you want. I’m here to tell the harsh, unfortunate truth that sometimes that’s just not how things go. Sometimes it’s not about talent or work ethic – sometimes it’s luck and timing and politics. Sometimes, it just doesn’t go as planned. You see, we can influence the outcome by our actions, but we can’t control it. That’s life, right? Hard lesson to learn, when you’ve believed that you’ve been in control of the outcome the whole time.

But what does this mean? Do we stop trying? … It also begs the question: “who do you think is in control of it all.” That’s a philosophical question personal to the individual. For me, I had to discover that I believe that God is the master controller allowing everything in my life. There’s also human will, and sometimes the decisions of others control my outcome, but ultimately God will either allow things or not. In the end, all things work together in the grand scheme.

I also arrived at the questions that I think we all ask and that seem to be reoccurring as we evolve: who I am I, why am I here and what is my purpose?

When I started to believe I am a child of God, here to love and be loved, and my purpose is to fulfill his will for my life, I had a foundation. The identity became unchanging – the reason for life became intangible and relational and the purpose became an invitation for further investigation about the map I could follow to realize this purpose.

How would the map be constructed? Well, further questions. Where is my passion? What are the sources of my pain? How do I bring light to others? Where is joy to be found in my life? What is my message?

My passion is soccer and exercise. Essentially, I find joy in movement, creative play and competition. The sources of my pain run deep, but to oversimplify, some of the biggest wounds can be found in abandonment and rejection. I sought love and acceptance through performance and attention as a child was usually given to me based on performance. Oddly enough, the joy in my life was found in performance as well. Well, what I thought to be performance, but what I now know is just the act of doing. Playing. What is my message? There is a different way in the arena of sports – a way that is often lost in highly competitive environments. We can thrive on joy and passion in the pursuit of greatness. We don’t have to win at any cost – meaning tools like manipulation, shame, embarrassment, the withholding of attention, kindness, and positivity in order to gain results do not need to be employed. They don’t work anyway. And if they do, I’m willing to bet somewhere along the line these things will turn on you. The way people treat one another should not be dictated by performance. In a sports environment, the organization doesn’t need to fuel fear, but belonging and unconditional kindness.

…Don’t miss the boat. What you’re passionate about – where your joy is found – that only dictates the arena of the people you have the opportunity to walk with and the position you’re uniquely placed in for impact.

So, now I have an identity, a mission and a purpose. Which, by the way has taken nearly a decade, and requires constant attention and growth. I don’t always remain secure in my identity, on my missional road or tied to my purpose. There are life distractions and relationships that I’ve allowed to take me off course, plenty of times. There are vast and deep implications involved in saying: I am a child of God – I am here to love and be loved and my purpose is to fulfill His will for my life. Just the pursuit of understanding what it means to love and be loved – how, what prevents us, why we struggle with it – this is a lifelong process. Trying to live according to God’s will – that’s a whole additional aspect that requires a philosophical belief system about who God is. So, to say that I practice this well – I fall short quite a bit. But, these are things I have to come back to. When I’m lost – when I’m struggling – this is the framework. So, how does it tie into a failure versus success mindset – well, I’ve found that it’s foundational.

If I don’t know who I am or why I’m here, I’m vulnerable to associate those things with the tangibles. If I “succeed” I’m strong, worthy and successful. If I “fail” I’m garbage, unworthy, and unsuccessful. If I have an identity that is secure, these things become experiences. Stepping stones. If we go back to the metaphor of a map – and we’re traveling along the road, these are all just markers, taking us to the next destination, none of which are final anyway.

And in a bigger scheme, it’s not really about me. Or you. It’s collective – a ripple effect, each of us impacting the other for furthered growth and evolution so that we can impact the people in our lives which enables them to learn what they need to learn to get to the next stop and vice versa.

The thing that also strikes me about this, is who decided what success is in our lives anyway? Who gets to decide? You could get fired from a job, and by conventional standards that’s a failure. Let me ask you this, what if you were fired from the World Trade Center in June of 2001? Three months later, here comes 9/11. Do you still view that as a failure? Or do you now see it as a blessing? Protection? The thing that had to happen so that you could move forward in life to do the thing that you were meant to do. That’s a dramatic example, but you get the point. The events in our lives are often disguised. Do you trust that everything is happening exactly as it should, at exactly the right time?

So, identity is secured – purpose is identified and mission is set. I’ve also included a trust factor, that everything happens for a reason. Now I can move forward, believing that experience is all that matters. There is no such thing as failure because everything that happens is about leading me to the next thing to ultimately get me to where I’m going.

And the real stuff that’s happening – that’s actually the stuff you can’t see. The lessons, the growth, the evolution. And while all that’s happening I’m impacting the people around me and being impacted by the people around me.

We often hear the phrase, it’s not the destination it’s the journey. We hear it so
much, it’s become just another cliché that stops resonating because of it’s redundancy. But, it’s become redundant because of it’s truth.

It’s all about process. What are we learning, how are we growing, and how does this translate relationally?

Now that I know this, how do I practice it? I practice it by taking risks. For example, trying out for the Washington Sprit. The act of trying – the act of emailing the coach asking “Did you decide who you’re inviting to preseason. I’m hopeful for the opportunity.” The act of showing up every day during preseason (and trying), and the act of accepting that I was not offered a contract and embracing that as an invitation to seek what’s next. But, there has to be that element of trust, or else bitterness and resentment could creep in.

How else do I practice it? Seeking certifications.

Opening up camps.

Writing this blog.

Being vulnerable in relationship.

Any chance I get, to put myself out there – to run towards fear instead of away from it – that’s how I practice an experience-based mentality. The more I do it, the more I realize that there’s freedom on the other side. Failure is really about fear – and fear is usually not valid.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton