Connection

I want to talk about something uncomfortable.

 
Well, for me.

 
I just read an article entitled “The opposite of addiction is connection.” As I read, I found myself nodding.

 
The last several months this idea of “trauma” has been introduced to me.

 
That word makes me uncomfortable.

 
Trauma.

 
I think of war, third world countries, genocide, rape, assault…. you know…. extremes.

 
We of the western world…. privileged, protected, righteous. Basic needs met. Trauma? No, not me. How dare I?

 

What if I told you, trauma is far more common than we like to admit.

 

What if I told you, I’m personally working with a trauma specialist.

 

That doesn’t mean I’m broken, or a victim, or dramatic. I mean…I can be dramatic at times, but c’mon. I come from a long line of women where “these are the days of our livesssss.”

 

What it does mean, is that I’m human.

 

And like all humans, I couldn’t control the hand I was dealt – there are some hands that are better and some that are worse. And it’s all relative.

 

But this hand is mine.

 

And I wanna unpack my shit and live well.

 

A few weeks into my time in Australia, with a torn calf and the loss of someone important to me, I found myself in a safe place, talking to a like-minded person who I confided in, and her response was “ohhhh, that happened to me too. I’ve experienced that. It was really painful.”

 

“…. have you heard of attachment trauma?”

 

Have I heard of “attachment trauma?”

 

I looked at her like “excuse me?”

 

How does that happen?

 

How do you end up on the other side of the world, where an issue that’s been raised in a secret room by someone you pay, comes up in a ten minute conversation with a total stranger who says “oh, been there. Here’s what I discovered…”

 

How do you write a blog about your crisis of “there has to be more than this” and a week later find yourself in a church where the pastor opens “There is more.”

 

How do you end up on the other side of the world, connecting with a young girl who confides in you about her relationship – a relationship similar to one you’ve been in – and you are seeing what you need to see, and saying what you need to hear.

 

You think this young girl is special, and worthy of love. You think all her feelings are more than ok – you validate them and you encourage her allowance to feel them – you applaud her courage to ask for what she needs, and you admire her vocalized discernment to know what’s hers and what’s not – and the only thing you want this girl to know is that she is loved. And loveable. And worthy. You hope that she doesn’t start to think that something’s wrong with her. That she doesn’t take on all the blame. That she continues to know what’s hers and what’s not. You see the person she’s in relationship with clearly – because you’re not emotionally invested. You hope that after she’s brave enough to ask for what she needs that she acts in accordance with what she should know she deserves. You hope she doesn’t abandon herself. And you tell her that after her feelings have been rejected and called names by the person she loves – in all her sweetness and romanticism – when she wants to say “I love you” to say it to herself. To stand her ground, and to turn that right back around and to tell herself.

 

And then you get it.

 

You hear yourself.

 

Again, and again this is where it’s at.

 

In the giving, you receive.

 

The irony is, that’s the time you’re not looking to get anything.

 

Most of the time I spend alone, I’m thinking, reading, writing, listening to something, talking – searching – and then when I stop and look outside myself without expectation– there it is.

 

That has to be some sort of universal paradox.

 

This was my healing with soccer.

 

In relating with kids from a place of purity and love, I found healing.

 

In relating to this girl from a place of purity and love, my heart had a moment of clarity.

 

Connection.

 

This is why 12 step rooms stress the importance of working with another person who shares your common problem.

 

This is why scripture says “For where two or three gather in my name…,” (Matthew 18:20).

 

Here’s where things can get weird.

 

If we have had unhealthy connections, we’re probably likely to find ourselves in them again. And when that happens, it reinforces our desire to stay disconnected.

 

We have to learn how.

 

And sometimes, in that learning we will make poor decisions.

 

We’ll over share, before we’ve found healing.

 

We’ll trust people that aren’t safe.

 

We’ll ignore our intuition out of our desire to be seen, heard or loved (which by the way, I continue to learn is our job anyway – annoying, I know.)

 

We’ll find ourselves in unhealthy attachments instead of loving relationships.

 

We’ll keep meeting the same person….

 

Experiencing the same relationship….

 

Re – living the same trauma….

 

And this will all send more signals to retreat and isolate.

 

Don’t retreat. Don’t isolate

 

Let what surfaces within you, surface.

 

Sit with it.

 

Acknowledge it.

 

Let it be seen and heard.

 

Accept it.

 

Love yourself through it.

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

Have faith.

 

Believe there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Trust that connection is good, and can be healthy and stay healthy.

 

And keep working on you.

 

Connection.

 

Trauma ->Shame ->isolation ->addiction.

 

Connecting the dots, you guys.

 

Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly….