faith – Warrior Soccer Training

A Funeral, a Four Wheeler and a stack of Journals

Do you ever keep getting the same message over and over again in your daily life?

People totally unrelated to one another keep saying the same thing?

Or you read something similar from different sources all pointing to a consistent message?

Sometimes, it’s life events. They may not even seem to be related, but to you they are all resonating with a common theme.

I think Jung calls it synchronicity.

When this happens, oftentimes, for me, my spirit knows something before my mind can process it. The last few weeks have been like that for me.

It started with a funeral, it connects with a four-wheeler, and it ends with a stack of journals.

I’ll start with the funeral –

Death on this earth is inevitable.

And before our time comes, we will see others depart. This will leave us with two options – we can choose to look or we can choose to look away.

When we choose to look, we are given the opportunity to celebrate a life, mourn with families and community and reflect on the things that matter the most.

As I looked at this person’s life, I was overwhelmed with the significance.

I saw beauty, impact, and even more so, legacy.

Her life was overflowing with evidence of the things that really mattered.

It was a life fully lived. A life one can be proud of.

Those around her described as “unselfish, generous, sacrificial and loving.” Her joy was found in her family, and they knew it.

Reflecting on a life like this, births introspection and retrospection. It also causes you to consider the alternative and compare and contrast. All of which I did for days….

Then came the four-wheeler.

This second event was a very odd and surprising connection to my past, which led only to what I can surmise as proof of God.

We all know Facebook shows us “mutual friends.”

Grayson’s godfather, Geoff, is my husband’s best friend. Geoff’s mom watches Grayson very regularly throughout the week when I go to train. I saw that she is friends with an old boyfriend’s mom, and I couldn’t help but ask how they knew each other.

Apparently, their families have been friends for years – this old boyfriends mom had married their family doctor.

Ok….Baltimore has about two degrees of separation. Not that weird. Here’s where things get weird.

There’s currently a four-wheeler in my shed.

We’ve had the four-wheeler for 5 years.

Will got the four-wheeler from Geoff.

Geoff got the four-wheeler from these family friends.

I rode this four-wheeler at 22 with this old boyfriend, thinking I would marry him. That weekend, he asked me about rings.

Twelve years later, I married Will.

And that four-wheeler is somehow in my garage.

You have to understand how mind blown I was in this discovery.

How does that four-wheeler come back into my story?

It’s hard to describe what happened to me when I realized that four-wheeler was my four-wheeler. It was as if I went back into my body, 22 on that four-wheeler – then connected it to now, watching Will come up my driveway with Grayson on his lap. Both memories collided together, and I could see that God has never left or forsaken me.

In that moment the four-wheeler became a symbol for something else.

God revealed His sovereignty in my life through it.

What I saw was love, mercy and grace.

I felt the whisper of “I told you to trust me. Do you see now?”

That’s the thing about faith –

I wasn’t sure God would ever bring marriage in my life to fruition.

And it didn’t happen quickly. It took 12 years from the person I thought I’d marry, to the person I was meant to marry.

This story may not make sense to anyone else, but isn’t that how God works? Very specifically – very relationally. Speaking to us in ways that we understand personally.

The third and final event happened a few days later.

For weeks, I’ve thought about the crates of journals I have in my basement and I’ve thought “what if something happens to me and Grayson reads them?”

There are some things a son shouldn’t know about his mother…sure, let him speculate, but let’s not confirm!

So, I went into my basement to get them. The plan? Straight to the firepit.

These are journals I sought never to return to.

Just the sight of them overwhelms me.

As I picked up the dusty crate, I saw one on the top with lyrics: “Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.”

I grew curious.

At which stage of my life was this? I reluctantly opened it. I began to read. I began to cry.

I had a few random journals from middle school and high school, but the bulk of my journals began in college. I quickly searched for the blue journal – the very first one from my freshman year at Penn State. If I’m going to read through some of these, I guess I should start from the beginning.

The pages bleed with questions —

Who am I?

What do I want my life to look like?

Why am I here?

Who is God and what does He want from me?

What’s right?

What’s wrong?

What’s meaningful?

What’s real?

What’s the meaning of life?

Why do I feel like this?

Why is this so hard?

Why am I sad?

Why am I anxious?

How can I feel better?

How can I be better?

Question after question – challenging everything – searching for truth. What I find as I read, is a young woman who really just wanted what I think we all want –

I wanted love.

I wanted acceptance.

I wanted the truth.

I wanted to be seen and heard.

I wanted to know who I was and why I was here.

I wanted to know all the same things one asks after a funeral…

It’s funny –

I always wanted to be the kid who went to college and had the time of her life. Carefree and reckless.

Nope. Dead serious. Reading Thoreau, Emerson, Plath, Sexton, the Bible … trying to map out what life was about and how I was going to live it. I still get on my own nerves with this a little. Like, just go play some beer pong like a normal college kid or something…(legally, of course, for anyone underage reading this!)

Instead, it was one of life’s valleys. Literally, it makes me laugh to think that God put me in “Happy Valley.”

This valley wasn’t so happy. It was my first real reckoning.

The beginning of an unraveling.

Some of what I read still grieves me. I feel it all again.

Some of it, I feel healed from.

And some of it, I’ve learned, must be dealt with at every stage of our journey.

That unraveling doesn’t end –

We are challenged in our belief systems as we choose careers, as we choose spouses, at the arrival of our children, as we start to raise our children.

We deal with things and we arrive at the next stage, only to discover we have more to deal with! And if we don’t deal with our stuff, our stuff will deal with us.

As I continued to read – at times reluctant, and at times feeling like a spectator, one thing continued to amaze me.

As I asked questions.

As I chose rebellion.

In times where pain and bitterness led me down dark roads before I could find healing, there was always one constant.

Every entry sought God.

Even at my worst.

And some of these entries are ugly – hard to read.

But there are always cries for help, a longing for truth, and a pursuit of God’s will.

As I sat and I read, I saw the promises God has fulfilled in my life.

The funeral points back to the questions I asked so young.

I was asking about significance.

I was defining success.

I was thinking about what it means to impact?

I was pondering legacy. We all leave one, what would mine be?

The question is, when it all ends – when your children and your grandchildren speak at your funeral, what will they say?

I promise, their words will tell the story.

When Jesus said the most important command is to love God and love others He tells us about the meaning of life.

It’s relational.

It’s not in posts.

Or job titles.

It’s not your bank account.

The journals are all attempts toward the end goal of a life fully lived.

Each word with a deliberate aim at healing, loaded and striving for the fullness of an authentic self made in the image of God.

The fourwheeler is just proof that God holds us every step of the way.

Everyone should ask themselves who they are and why they are here.

Everyone should ask themselves what’s the meaning of life.

And I hope that everyone can see that God is with us, at every turn, at every step whispering “Trust me. My plan is better.”

Happy New Year

In years past, I’ve belonged to churches or fellowships that challenge its members to choose a word for the year.

As I enter 2026, I reflect on the words of 2025 which began as whispers.

Sheep –

Shepherd –

Alabaster jar –

Hem (as in hem of a garment).

Sheep – Somewhere in 2025, I began to feel a deep connection to sheep.

Weird, I know.

The parable of the 99 Sheep grew in significance in my life, and I’ve thought about it often.

As I look back, I can see the moments in my life where I tried to be the Shepherd – I can see the times where I fought for autonomy.

I can also see moments where instead I was a lost sheep, or played injured.

On one side, either deceiving myself into too much power – “I can do whatever I set my mind to,” on the other, not enough – “I’m not good enough.”

But what if my focus was more on the Shepherd. What if I received the reality that the Shepherd left the 99 for the 1.

Sheep aren’t very smart and they’re exceptionally prone to wander.

Scripture shows us from the beginning, that human nature is consistent with this.

Just read Exodus – God saves His people from slavery, parts the Red Sea in Exodus 15, and by Exodus 32, only three months later, Moses went up to Mount Sinai for forty days and forty nights to receive the Ten Commandments and the people were demanding a golden calf from Aaron requesting “a god that shall go before us.”

Forty days.

Forty days without Moses, and the Israelites had forgotten what God had done.

These are the same people who begged to go back to Egypt because they were sick of the Manna that God rained down from heaven to feed them. Forget the fact that God was raining food from heaven – these people wanted something they thought was “better.”

The Israelites show us who we really are.

The Israelites teach us about human nature.

The same people who were rescued, redeemed, called out of, called to, chosen, set apart, made to rely on, led – complain, choose lesser, think they know better, and want their golden calf – their god who will go before them.

We do it all the time.

Prone to wander.

I have been the one, and Jesus has left the 99 for me – more than once.

I bet if you stop to think, you have been the one, and Jesus has left the 99 for you.

This year, the weight of that has hit me.

I don’t know how many times Jesus will leave the 99 for us – sometimes we wander in big ways and sometimes in small ways – each time it shows us the condition of our hearts and reveals to us the things in our lives that we make into golden calves.

Thank God, we have a shepherd who pursues relentlessly, and forgives us for our proclivity to wander.

The Alabaster Jar –

I’ve read it a million times. Mary poured out all of her expensive perfume from the alabaster jar onto Jesus in Matthew 26:6.

I imagine it frequently.

I ask myself, “would you be like Mary?”

In that moment, with Jesus would you recognize what’s before you? WHO is before you?

Would you be willing to take the thing most valuable and give it all to Him?

Not just a little. The entirety?

Or would you hold some back?

Would you fear that you needed to save some for later?

Would you be like her critics who became “indignant” with her and thought that the perfume was too valuable and could be used for money?

Would you call her act foolish? Or lacking logic?

I want to be like Mary.

Completely aware that what I have been given should be given back in awe, reverence and worship.

I want that kind of adoration. That kind of love.

The kind where you aren’t worried about what comes next, because you know that what comes next is insignificant when you’re in fellowship with Christ.

Alabaster Jar –

What will I do with my alabaster jar?

What will you do with yours?

Hem –

This is about the woman described in Matthew, Mark and Luke who bled for 12 years, but was healed instantly from only touching the hem of Jesus’s cloak.

It is described similarly in all three accounts, but in Mark it says she had even been treated by many doctors, but her problem only grew worse.

If I put myself in that situation, I would think I would lose hope, not gain it.

Why? Because we focus too much on the things we see instead of the things that we don’t.

This woman believed that her only chance to heal would be because of Jesus. So much so, that she would barge her way through a crowd, just to touch the edge of his garment.

You don’t believe a little for that.

You know the power of Christ, when you aim to just get your fingertips on the edge of his garment.

We all want deep faith, but if we search ourselves, is there unbelief to be found in certain areas?

I have found that my unbelief is not in who He says He is, or what he says He’s done or will do, but in personal areas where I sometimes don’t think I’m worthy of His power in my life.

In that, you miss the point of the gospel.

The point is, I’m not worthy. No one is.

Stop thinking about the sheep and look at the Shepherd.

I want to be like this woman – knowing that if I only touch his garment, His power comes to work in my life. That kind of faith. Personal.

Sheep –

Shepherd –

Alabaster Jar –

Hem –

What’s your word in 2026? Whatever it may be, wishing you a blessed new year.

What Jesus are we talking about?

When referring to Jesus, our culture often talks about love.

Regardless of beliefs, most people agree that Jesus was a historical figure who walked the earth, and demonstrated the power and truth of what love is.

Culturally, both those who accept His divinity and those who reject it, have crafted a Jesus that makes people comfortable.

Even the church.

We like the soft Jesus. The lover Jesus.

The one who gives us the warm and fuzzies.

But, is that all there is to Jesus?

Let me ask you?

Are you one thing? Or many things?

When we talk about Jesus, do we forget that although Jesus portrayed love and was love – the other most important thing Jesus showed us was obedience?

He perfectly demonstrates it.

And He calls us to live in obedience.

Before Jesus was arrested He said to His disciples, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death…” In the next verse, “…he fell to his face and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as You will.” And then a couple of verses later He prays, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may Your will be done.” (Matthew 26:38)

Jesus knew what was coming.

He was scared.

He didn’t want to go through it.

He wanted out.

But, Jesus committed the most important act of obedience that would ever take place.

We like the “love” part.

We like to forget about the “obedience” part.

And when we talk about obedience, what are we talking about?

Obedience to who?

Obedience how?

Human nature has always been to construct a narrative and then look for supporting evidence.

Often, we don’t like to hear the narrative and accept its truth if it contradicts our agenda.

Today, we like phrases like “live your truth,” and “find yourself.”

But, isn’t there one truth? …If you believe in scripture.

Isn’t there one God who created you with a purpose and plan that cannot be fully discovered apart from Him?

Thousands of years ago, the narrative was an expectation for a King to arrive who would overtake Kingdoms and sit on a throne and display power and might.

The Messianic expectations were for Jesus to restore Israel to prominence.

Yet, the prophets who came before Him never said that the Messiah would come that way.

Isaiah prophesied about the virgin birth, the birth of a child who would be a ruler, and the suffering servant. Isaiah 53 describes the suffering and rejection of Jesus.

Jeremiah also prophesied about Jesus and the righteous branch that would come from the line of David. He wrote of a New Covenant through Jesus.

Further prophecy in the Old Testament is in Psalms, Daniel and Micah.

In Psalms 22, David writes, : “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

The same words spoken by Christ on the cross hundreds of years later.

In verse 17 and 18, David writes, “All my bones are on display; people stare and gloat over me. They divide my clothes among them and cast lots for my garments.”

Again, this was fulfilled during the death of Jesus.

So, what happened? What got lost in translation?

Before and during the time of Jesus, people expect a King of power.

They get a savior who displays a power that isn’t what they expect.

But, they shouldn’t have misunderstood.

Not if they read the Old Testament.

Not if they listened to the prophets and the prophecies.

How is this different from our culture?

Do we read?

Do we listen?

Don’t we cling to what we want to hear? …and throw the rest away?

Haven’t we made Jesus what we want Him to be?

The answers for those thousands of years ago are still the same answers today.

We can miss Jesus just like so many did when He walked in the flesh, on this earth.

We can miss Him because we expect Him to reveal Himself in ways that He won’t.

We can miss Him because we haven’t read.

We can miss Him because we haven’t listened.

We can miss him because we want to hold on to a singular aspect – love.

And ignore another key aspect – obedience.

God shows us through the entirety of the Bible that He is not singular.

He creates, He engages, He’s relational, He instructs, He commands, He judges, He reigns down wrath, He gives mercy, fulfills promises, makes covenants, destroys, rescues, saves –

God reveals His character to us through scripture, and if we think He is just a God of love, I invite you to read the Old Testament. I invite you to read Revelation in the New Testament.

The biggest misconception is that Jesus cancels out the Old Testament.

Jesus doesn’t cancel out the Old Testament.

Jesus references the Old Testament.

Jesus fulfills prophecy from the Old Testament.

He’s the same God throughout the scriptures.

Same God – New covenant, through Jesus.

So, my questions remain – obedience to who? Obedience how?

This is personal.

I don’t know what it is for you, only for me.

This can’t be discovered on your own.

You don’t get to decide how God wants to use you, or the ways in which He’s asking you to be obedient.

You can’t dream it up, imagine it, or guess.

It has to align with who God is and what He says.

It can’t be the God we imagine or create or the one we think sounds good –

And the only way to discern if something aligns with who God is and what He says is to read.

Read.

Read the bible.

Stop reading human opinion.

Stop listening to man made philosophy.

Stop creating narratives.

We cannot be obedient to a God we don’t know.

We cannot discern truth when we haven’t sought the character of God, which He revealed in scripture through signs, miracles, wonders, prophets, and Christ.

He shows us who He is.

And just like the people of Jesus’s time weren’t prepared for the coming of Christ, so may we be caught off guard at the next event on the prophetic timetable.

And that prophecy doesn’t have Jesus riding in on a donkey. Jesus is coming on a white horse, with an army.

In the end, what excuse will we have?

“I didn’t know?” ….